I Hope This Makes You Feel Less Alone

If you know me well, you know I am pretty much an open book. But that is not how I used to be. A big part of my story is that I was a vault of secrecy when I was younger surrounding the fact that my dad was sexually abusing me.

It is honestly crazy to think how much God has changed me and helped me to grow into someone who can share their life with vulnerability and confidence. I know that God wants me to share my story and that He can help others through my willingness to be open and talk about what I have been through.

This blog has been a huge leap of faith for me. It is one thing for me to open up to the people in my life who I see frequently and to open up in intimate settings, and it is another thing for me to write about these things and post them online. I remember having a lot of fear and doubt about writing about my life and posting it.

Towards the end of 2021, I launched my blog and that was the first time I had ever opened up online about being sexually abused by my dad. I was terrified… not for strangers to know these things, but for the people in my life that know me now, or knew me back then to read what I wrote.

I have become increasingly more comfortable in posting on my blog and being open even online, but there are certain things I avoided up to this point.

Today, I’d like to open up about something I have never shared in this space. I think it is important for me to share this and I hope that whoever reads this will personally benefit from it or can share it with someone who will benefit from it.

I would love to be a resource for anyone who has gone through similar things or is thinking about stepping into this difficult journey. So, I guess I’ll just jump right in.

At the end of 2020, I filed a police report regarding the sexual abuse my dad perpetrated and pressed charges against him. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and one of the hardest processes I have ever been through.

The following year, 2021, was full of phone calls and interviews with policemen, lawyers, and child advocates (because the abuse I went through happened while I was still a minor), as well as many court dates. I am not going to go into detail about everything that happened during that season at this time, but I hope to share more details in the future.

On April 6^th, 2022, my dad was sentenced to 20 years in prison. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. It was so hard to be the one who pressed charges against him and I had so many mixed emotions as the person who abused me was finally brought to justice, but that person was also my dad.

It has been a year since that sentencing date, and I feel more comfortable sharing this experience now. If you have been involved in my life, any of my siblings’ lives, or my mom’s life then you probably have heard about this stuff, and it is not news to you. But I know there are some people who weren’t aware that my dad is in prison.

As I said, I am not going to go into the details of the experience of pressing charges at this time, but I wanted to share some of my grieving process after my dad was sentenced.

If you or someone you know are thinking about filing a police report and pressing charges or you are already in that process, I’d love to be someone you can talk to. If you have any questions, concerns, or just want to have someone who understands what you are experiencing in your corner, I’d love to be that person. Please go to my contact page if you’d like to connect.

I am also sharing some of my grieving process in hopes that others can relate, be comforted, and feel understood in some way. Thanks for coming into this space and diving into the hard things with me ❤

These are a few things I wrote down in my notes as I was grieving over my dad after he was sentenced. TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE.

Grieving : Monday, April 18^th, 2022

I took this whole week off work. I am sitting here at my desk trying to open a box that desperately clings shut. Grief. I know that I have cried and wept, that I have been full of sorrow and that my heart and body have ached with sadness and regret. But when I think about my dad, about my past, about the trauma and abuse I have experienced,  and all of the dreams and hopes I once had that have been crushed–I know that I haven’t fully grieved it all. How do you let go of a parent? How do you leave the past in the past? How do you somehow accept the reality of years of trauma and abuse being part of your story? How do you put to rest the many hopes and dreams you once had and start to build new ones? These are certainly the questions I need answers to. But the biggest question I have is simply; how do you let yourself truly and completely grieve? I hope that God will help me answer that question this week. I hope that God will empower and equip me to let go and release all these things I no longer need to hold on to.

…

He Is Not My Father : Monday, April 18^th, 2022

It is time for me to let go of my dad. The man who is biologically my father. He helped bring me into this world and then he wrecked my world. When I was an innocent, trusting child, he sexualized me. He saw me as an object, something to fulfill his dark, sinful fantasies involving a child. He touched me, molested me, abused me. He trapped me in a prison where I always felt scared and unsafe. He made me wonder what I did to deserve this abuse. He placed the responsibility on me to stay silent and take it so that no one else would be impacted or hurt. He maintained a façade around everyone else that assured no one would suspect a thing. And I, a child, kept all of the confusion, the pain, the sadness, the feelings of worthlessness, shame, and impurity–I kept them in. I swallowed my feelings and the trauma and tried to be a good daughter. He had no problem abusing me and then allowing me to remain in my loneliness and shame. He didn’t care that I was falling apart, ready to burst. He made empty promises that he would never abuse me again, and then he proved himself a liar again and again. He manipulated, gaslighted, controlled, guilted, shamed, and confused me. He harassed and abused me.  He did not father me–he is not my father. He is nothing but a broken, sinful man. My Father is in Heaven, I am a daughter of The King. The man who neglected, abused, and harmed me is not my father. A father is one who cares for, protects, and uplifts his child. I have no earthly father–the only Father I have is in Heaven.

…

I Can’t Fix the Past : Monday, April 18^th, 2022

As a child, my needs were not met. I had a roof over my head, and plenty of clothes and food, but the most important things were not given to me. I was not safe or protected. I was not cherished and cared for. I was not uplifted and encouraged. I was not empowered to speak for myself and express my needs or fears. I was abused frequently for years of my life, basically my entire childhood. I grew up in fear and shame, in confusion and pain. I was wounded and broken, scarred and traumatized. I can never go back and change what happened. I wish I could prevent that little, innocent girl from ever being touched by her abuser. I wish I could give her the power to speak against her abuser from the very start. I wish I had the power to place a wonderful, God-honoring father in her life. One that would shower her with pure and unconditional love, that would protect and empower her, that would speak life over her. I wish she had a father that made her feel like a kid, without fear or worry. I wish she had a father that could tell her about her value and her worth in Christ, one that could even tell her how beautiful she was in a way that was pure, that made her smile freely without wondering if his heart was in the right place. I wish she had a father that could have been there for her, one that could have held her in his arms when she needed support. A father that could have prayed for her and encouraged her when she was struggling. A father that could have spoken to the boy that was interested in her, asked him about his intentions, and told him to respect and honor her. A father that could have walked her down the aisle on her wedding day and looked at her with joy-filled tears in his eyes. A father that could one day watch her become a mother, one that would look at her and her babies with pride. I wish that my childhood could have been filled with happy memories of a little girl that had no worries. A little girl that felt seen, loved, protected, and valuable. I wish that she could have been treated well and didn’t ever have to know the pain of abuse and trauma. But these things are not reality, they are just wishes. The truth is, I had a terrible, abusive father, my childhood was marked by abuse and fear and shame, my needs were not met, my hopes and dreams were not fulfilled, and the way that things should have been is not the way they were. Nothing will change the way things happened in my past. I must learn to accept that my life has been filled with many hard things, and my life on earth will always be impacted by the abuse and trauma I have gone through. I can’t fix the past, I can only grieve it and move forward with new hopes and dreams.

…

What The Little Girl Deserved : Tuesday, April 19^th, 2022

He looks at his newborn daughter in awe of her innocence, her fragility, and her dependence upon him and her mother.

He knows the moment he sees her little fingers wrapped around his, the moment he hears her soft cry, that he will love her and protect her with all that he is.

He is honored to be the one entrusted with this responsibility, the responsibility to love her and cherish her.

He ensures she is warm, clothed, fed, clean, and provided for.

He takes every opportunity to tell her how special she is, that she is beautiful, valuable, strong, and loved.

He speaks life over her, he never tears her down or discourages her.

He tells her that her identity is in Christ and that she is worth so much because God created her with worth, in His own image.

He is not afraid to tell her he loves her, to show her he loves her, but he always does so with purity and does so unconditionally.

He lets her be a kid, he lets her laugh and dance and wonder. He lets her play and imagine and explore.

He never burdens her with his issues and worries and mistakes.

He fights against any harm that could come her way, he protects her and shields her from pain and abuse.

He is her advocate, he always chooses what is best for her, and he makes sure that her needs are met.

He loves her. He cherishes her. He gives her stability. He protects her. He encourages her.

He ensures her childhood is full of joy, laughter, freedom, and truth.

She runs into his arms without a care, no fear or worry, knowing she is safe. She sits on his lap when she needs to be reminded of the stability of her life.

She looks at him and is reminded that she can depend on him, that she can count on him.

When she sees him she remembers that he makes sure she is warm, clothed, fed, and clean; that she is provided for and doesn’t need to worry.

She looks at him and remembers that she is special, beautiful, valuable, strong, and loved.

When she sees him, she feels alive and lifted up.

She looks at him and knows that she has worth, that God created her in His image.

When she sees him, she sees someone who loves her, someone she can trust to support her and comfort her, that loves her purely and unconditionally.

She looks at him and she knows she is free to be a kid, to have fun, she knows that she is taken care of.

She doesn’t even know the many ways that he has protected her. She has no idea of the things that could have been, she only knows she is safe.

She feels cherished.

Her childhood is full of good and wonderful things, she only knows joy, laughter, freedom, and truth.

…

Reflections

The notes I wrote in April of last year are obviously very raw and honest. I know that some of the things I wrote can come off as harsh or intense, but that is the reality of abuse and trauma. I hope that my honesty can help you through your raw moments. I hope that you feel less alone in your pain and struggle after reading this.

I am so thankful that even though I have been through difficult things (just as everyone goes through difficult things), God is so good. He has been so present in my life and He is the only one who has sustained me through it all. I can say without a doubt that it was the Lord who walked with me through this darkness and pain, and it is Him alone who has led me into light and comfort.

I pray that even just one person will feel a little less alone after reading this. I hope you can share this with someone who is suffering in a similar way and that this post can be a blessing to them. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤