Rejoicing in Truth

When I shared my testimony at the beginning of this blog, I mentioned that I would later write the story of how God forced me to tell my family that my dad had been abusing me. Well, this is that story. There are so many factors in this story and when I look back over my life, I realize that God was orchestrating everything that happened.

So, going into college, I was 16 years old, and I had still never told anyone about the abuse. I was so young and still so unsure of where my life was going. When I started college, my life became much busier and more exciting. I was working part-time and going to college full time and that gave me the opportunity to get out of the house more and be away from my dad.

In my freshman year, I started to like this guy that I believed was a strong Christian. This was a messy situation, and I will just share a very short version of it. By second semester, me and this guy had a relationship that was very secretive and came with a lot of shame, he was not following Jesus, and he took advantage of me. At the time, I didn’t fully know or want to accept that he took advantage of me. The things he did wouldn’t seem like a big deal to a lot of people, and they didn’t seem like a big deal to me at first. But the whole time this weird, secret, twisted relationship was happening, I felt gross. Gross in a way that felt familiar—gross how my dad made me feel gross.

It was a short period of time when this guy played with my emotions and then basically decided he was bored. But afterward, I felt so broken. More broken than made sense with what happened. I was confused why I was so hurt and so messed up after that happened. So, the semester ended, and summer came.

That summer, I was not myself. I fell into a deep, dark depression. I felt used and dirty and worthless. I remember knowing that all of this hurt and brokenness wasn’t just about this guy, but it was easier to act like it was than it was to accept what was really going on.

For the first time in my life, I started to have flashbacks of my dad abusing me. I was thinking about it all the time, I had nightmares about it, and I was having panic attacks. I used to be able to compartmentalize all the trauma and tuck it into the back of my brain, but suddenly it was showing up uninvited and at the most inconvenient times.

When I tried to read my Bible, it was as if there was something physically stopping me from doing it. I was utterly and completely disconnected from God, further away from Him than I had ever felt. His presence was not palpable anymore and I desperately needed it.

Because I was in so much pain and my usual source of comfort and hope felt far away, I tried to distract myself with whatever I could. I spent a lot of time with friends and at work to avoid being at home with my dad. When I did come home, I usually went straight to my bedroom and locked the door. I wanted to hide from all the things I was feeling. I wanted to sleep so I could be numb.

I knew something was off, but I was running away from it as fast as I could. I was thinking more and more about the abuse that happened and starting to realize that those were real memories, not something that happened to someone else—that happened to me.

As I was grappling with this, I had some people that were very close to me that were also grappling with similar things. One of my best friends at the time opened up to me about something that was done to her when she was younger. I remember mentioning to her that I thought something like that had happened to me, but I wouldn’t open up any more than that and we dropped that discussion.

I had another close friend who I talked to all the time about how I was really feeling distant from God and that I was depressed. I told him that everything in my life was about to change and that I knew it was coming, but I wouldn’t tell him why. I could feel that I was about to burst. He knew that I was in a lot of pain, he just wasn’t sure why.

Even though I didn’t open up to either one of them at the time, those two friends were definitely placed in my life by God to help me open up later on.

Then, one day when I was spending time with a cousin of mine, the topic of sexual abuse came up again. She and I went to a coffee shop we enjoyed spending time at, and we met up with a friend of hers. This friend worked with people who had been sexually abused or assaulted and he shared a lot of insight into what sexual abuse is and how it can impact people.

I remember listening to him and just thinking—oh my gosh that happened to me. We sat there for what felt like forever and I felt this weight in my stomach like I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I looked at my cousin and told her we had to leave. It was abrupt and maybe even a little rude, which wasn’t like me, so she knew something was up.

As we walked to her car, I knew that either this was the moment where I was going to finally tell someone about the abuse or that I was never going to tell anyone. When we got into the car, I didn’t stop myself from blurting out, “I need to tell you something,” and once those words left my lips, I knew I wasn’t turning back.

That car ride was one of the most unreal moments of my life. It was an out-of-body experience where I felt like I was watching myself tell my cousin these things I never thought I would speak of. I knew when I said goodbye to her and got out of that car that my life was completely changed, I just didn’t understand what that meant.

I made her promise to never tell anyone and thank the Lord she was not able to keep that promise. Sometime later, she told my aunt what I told her and one day I got a text from my aunt. It was a picture of a handwritten letter telling me she knew what happened and that it was time for me to tell my family. She gave me an ultimatum: you talk to your mom, or I will. I chose to talk to my mom that next day.

From there, honestly, it felt like my whole life imploded, but at the same time—there was this overwhelming weight brought off my shoulders and freedom that I had never experienced before. There is so much more to the story after I finally told my family about the abuse—but I’m sure I have shared and can share more in my other posts about that.

I know it is so easy to question why we go through the things we do, like why I was abused in the first place. But when I look back at God’s sovereignty in forcing me to talk about it and not allowing me to continue to live in shame and darkness—I just can’t help but rejoice! I’ve discussed this before, but I just need to say again that when people do terrible things it has everything to do with their sinfulness and nothing to do with God’s goodness. I wish that my dad’s sinfulness didn’t lead him into such terrible darkness, but I am also so grateful that God didn’t let the story end there!

Even though I was abused, God has used my pain and brokenness for a purpose. He took me out of the darkness and secrecy I was in and brought me into His marvelous light. I have a wonderful husband and a family who loves and supports me, an amazing church community, and so many loving friends in my life who encourage me. Ever since the day I opened up about the abuse, I have not gone through any of the pain from it alone. Through all of the panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, questioning, and hurting—there were so many people to help, comfort, and encourage me. I am just so thankful that God revealed the truth in my life.

The experience I went through with that guy freshman year of college, the friends God placed in my life that summer and all the conversations we had, the extreme depression and the timing of all those nightmares and flashbacks, that conversation with my cousin and her friend at the coffee shop, and lastly, the fact that my cousin told my aunt and my aunt gave me an ultimatum—all these things had to happen for me to open up about the abuse and then also tell my family. You cannot tell me that those things didn’t happen on purpose and for a purpose!

I know that God fought for me to experience freedom and healing from this abuse, even though I never thought that was possible when I was in the midst of the abuse. I truly thought I was never going to tell anyone. I had pressure from my dad to stay quiet so that “I wouldn’t ruin our family or our church” and so I believed it was best for them if I stayed quiet. I was so afraid of everything that would happen if people knew. I felt like it was my burden to bear.

I specifically remember thinking of the Bible talking about bearing your cross or taking up your cross and misinterpreting it. I thought that it meant I was supposed to carry the secret that my dad was abusing me. That verse is referring to dying to your own desires and sins and following Christ. That verse is not referring to denying your right to be free from abuse and to hold others accountable.

It is so extremely important for us as Christians and for the church to make sure we are interpreting scripture correctly and that it is being taught accurately and clearly. As a kid, I wasn’t taught the intricacies of some very important verses and that really impacted the way I navigated going through abuse.

For instance, Ephesians 6:1-3 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ^‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”

When this passage talks about obeying and honoring your father, I thought that meant doing whatever he said and always being obedient. I even thought I was meant to take the abuse and not fight against it.

The verse specifically says, “obey your parents in the Lord,” which is a key part of it. We are meant to honor our parents and yes to be respectful and obedient—but that is under the assumption that they are also being obedient to the Lord. God would never ask us to follow someone leading us against His will and His word.

Our default should always be to follow God. If anyone is asking you to do something that God is clearly against, don’t do it. Or if anyone is treating you in a way that God does not condone—you are not meant to just take it. It is okay to stand up for yourself and to stand up for what is good and true, even if that means calling out or fighting against someone who is normally in authority over you.

I am thankful that my life has changed so much in the last five years and that I am able to share this story with you. I am also thankful that I can bring attention to the importance of accurate Biblical interpretations and making sure we are teaching our children accurately as well. Satan can twist and distort good things into bad things, even God’s Word, and we have to be vigilant to make sure we read it carefully.

I am so happy that little girl who was so hurt and confused has grown into a woman who can now confidently rejoice in truth. I hope through this story you have seen that God moves in our lives, that He cares about us, and that He desires freedom and healing for us. I hope that you are more aware of the fact that the people around you, at work, at church, sometimes even at home could be going through some really tough things, and that this inspires you to have compassion and a tender heart. I also hope that this inspires you personally and us as the church to be very careful about the way we teach and read scripture, in our church community and at home with our families. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤