Loss

The empty leather recliner

or the head of the kitchen table—another empty chair.

Mom makes food, but we have extras.

When together my family asks, “is this everyone?”

On graduation day, I get a look of pride from my mom,

but it feels strange that you can’t even celebrate this with me.

When I get married, I have to decide if my father-in-law

will give me away to his own son, or if I will ask mom to do it.

It would have been simpler to go to your funeral,

Instead of trying to bury you alive.

The Story Behind the Poem

This poem is clearly summed up in the title, “Loss.” When I wrote this, I was still grappling with the feeling of losing my dad. Growing up, I never pictured my dad not being a part of my life.  I always thought he would be present through all the big things, little things, and all the things in between. But that is not how things turned out.

The way that everything happened was very sudden. There was no time for me to adjust to the idea of my dad moving out and me having very little contact with him. Things were how they had always been, then the next day they were upside down.

This loss felt so complicated. My dad was such a huge part of my life, and even though our relationship was completely broken it was one I was used to. I didn’t quite know how to adjust to him not being in my life. It was a hard time for my whole family.

Loss does not solely come through death. In this case, the loss I experienced happened after I exposed my dad for abusing me. He was immediately forced out of our home, and we didn’t have contact for a few months, and after that point, I have hardly seen him.

Sometimes we lose people because relationships are toxic or abusive, sometimes it is because they are simply not healthy or helpful. I want to express that the loss of a relationship is a very hard experience even if that loss isn’t caused by death.

The imagery in the first stanza is from the places my dad always sat. There was a leather recliner he sat in every day in the family room and at dinner, he always sat at the head of the table. When I would catch a glimpse of those places and see them empty, it left me feeling sad and somewhat empty as well.

It was difficult to have the many memories of him filling those places in our home and then getting used to him no longer being there. After having the knowledge that my dad abused me for years, I know it might seem strange to read about me missing my dad or feeling sad he wasn’t there. My mind was not in a sound place at this time and the idea I had of my dad was not based on reality.

One of my many coping mechanisms was to separate my dad from the abuse. There was the part of him that made jokes, provided for our family, was a worship pastor, and had good qualities. Then there was the side of him that I didn’t want to accept—the abusive man who had many, many issues that seeped into even the “good” parts of him.

When he moved out, the part of him I missed was my dad, not my abuser. After time and space from my trauma, I know that we cannot separate people into categories and choose which parts we accept and reject. Every person is complex, there are good and bad parts to each person, but we have to take all of them or none of them. You cannot pick and choose who a person is to you, they are who they are.  

The second stanza talks about my mom making extra food and our family always feeling like someone was missing. There were little things that we probably all noticed but didn’t mention, and those were some of them. Like me, my entire family missed my dad and had to learn how to deal with him not being in their lives. There were times when our family didn’t feel complete without him, and that is okay.

In the third stanza, I talked about how my dad wasn’t going to be at my college graduation. I remember anticipating this because it was one of the first big events he would not be at, and it felt hard to imagine. I remember also struggling with the idea that I was going to date and marry someone someday who had never even met my dad. There were a lot of big things that happened that I never imagined my dad not being there for.

In the fourth stanza, I mention the struggle of deciding who would walk me down the aisle. It felt almost pitiful to think of asking my father-in-law to give me away to his own son, and it felt unfair to ask my mom to do it. It was a hard position to be put in.

I know now that my dad should not have been the one to walk me down the aisle in the first place. I am so glad that he did not have the privilege to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Every bit of space I have had from him was necessary and has allowed me to experience more freedom and healing. With hindsight, I am thankful that he was removed from my home at the moment he was and that he has pretty much been removed from my life.

I am grateful that now I have lived some of my life without abuse. From the time I was 4, I was abused. So now, having lived almost 5 years without my abuser in my life—that is something I never thought was possible, but I am so glad that God saw fit to make that my story.

In the very last stanza, I end with a very intense line, saying that it would have been simpler to go to my dad’s funeral instead of trying to bury him alive. I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive to people who have lost loved ones because I am only speaking about my own experience with my dad. Losing someone you love and have a healthy and good relationship with is very different than losing someone who abused you. And even though it might sound harsh, that is honestly how I felt and still feel to this day.

This poem is kind of a few of the puzzle pieces in my experience of mourning my relationship with my dad, it’s not the full picture. It was so hard for me to not see him anymore at first, but clearly, that was the best and healthiest thing for me. When someone dies, you no longer have the option of spending time with them and having a relationship. But in this case, he was living close by and going on with his life, which felt so strange. We tried to move forward in our lives without him in it, but we knew he was still alive and well and living in the area, which was a very complex situation.

The feelings of loss are still there even to this day, but I am glad that my dad does not have the privilege of being a part of the big, little, and in-between things. There will always be a part of me that longs for a dad who would be there for me and love me well, but I no longer seek that in him because he has proven he cannot be that for me.

I think sometimes it is easy to feel guilty when we miss someone who did horrible things or get sad when we think of all of the memories with them. But loss is not cut and dry, especially when the person you lost was someone you had a very complicated relationship with. I have learned to deal with the loss of my relationship with my dad. It is a hard process. I feel that I lost my dad the moment he chose to abuse me, it just took me a long time to recognize that.

When I wrote this poem, I had not yet graduated college or walked down the aisle at my wedding. Now after having done both of those things, I see that God really took care of me and spared me from having those memories tainted by my dad. When I wrote this poem, I still couldn’t imagine my life without my dad being present, and now I see that my life is so much fuller and freer and genuine without him in it.

There is life after loss—whether that loss is of a dear and loved person in your life or someone you had a broken relationship with. There is life after loss even if that loss is a result of death, divorce, or unexpected separation. It is hard to comprehend how life will go on without that person you thought would always be there, but life will go on, and maybe it will be a much better and happier life than you could have imagined.

It is okay to miss that person, to feel lonely or sad, to even feel emptiness at times. It is okay to remember them fondly or to have memories that are hard to cope with. We must let ourselves feel, but we must also let ourselves live our lives to the fullest. God has so much more for you than you are aware of. He is making new paths for you to walk down with new people.

I am so thankful for God’s grace to deliver me from having such a destructive relationship remain in my life. I would have lived my whole life in brokenness, shame, and secrets if I didn’t lose that relationship with my dad. Even the hardest things in our lives can turn out to be the biggest blessing from God and the greatest area of grace from Him.

I hope that whatever loss you are dealing with or have had to face is one that you have seen God move in. I hope that He has changed you and grown you through it. I hope that He has shown you a life with more love, joy, peace, healing, and freedom than you ever could have dreamt of. I hope that this post can encourage you and show you that even loss can be an area where God’s goodness shines through. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤