Father

Father, a word that comes with so much responsibility. A word that tastes different coming out of my mouth than it does coming out of yours. It is a word that should warm your heart and come with a smile. Does it warm your heart? Does it come with a smile? It might not, in fact, I don’t expect it to.

It often stirs up anger or confusion. For me, the word father tastes complicated. I know what a father should be, I know the weight that the title carries. I know what I wish my father could have been for me. But I also know of his failures. I saw them and felt them firsthand.

The word father, it holds so much meaning, so much pressure. And yet, it continues to be soiled by the very people who are meant to uphold its meaning and honor it, our fathers, my own father. They do not live up to their title.

A father should love and protect, but what did he do? He told me he loved me, but his actions spoke differently. He acted as if he would protect me, but I was more afraid of what he would do than I was about what anyone else would. A father is supposed to be trusted, but what did he do? He broke my trust over and over. My father took advantage of me when he should have cared about me. My father taught me how to build walls to protect myself. But it didn’t protect me from him.

The very person who was supposed to protect me from heartbreak broke my heart. The person who was meant to build me up, made me feel worthless. This man that should have been my role model is the last person I want to resemble. Father, what a wonderfully complicated word. I think of the word and my head starts spinning.

Maybe it was just my own dad who did not meet the standards of his title? But no, that’s not true. Meet some of the fathers in my life. A man who had a beautiful family, a wife, four kids, but he’s not satisfied. It’s not enough. He decides that another woman will make him happy, but he doesn’t care what that means for his wife and his kids. He gets found out, he gets a divorce, his children are split up. Father.

A man again decides his wife and kids are not enough, he leaves without a word. He abandons his family, and they are left alone and wondering, why? Father.

An alcoholic, he’s angry at himself but he can’t face it. So, he takes it out on his boys. He expects them to make up for his imperfections by being perfect, and if they’re not it causes bruises. All of his insecurities have paved the way for his sons to develop their own insecurities, making them think they aren’t good enough. Father.

These are the men who are supposed to lead their families in purity and love. So much is staked on this word and so much is expected from these men. But it seems as if we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

This word we use to exemplify love, trust, and protection is a word used to describe a human. Humans are naturally flawed; we constantly mess up. I think the reason we are so broken up by the failures of our fathers is that we are expecting more from them than they could ever give.

Heavenly Father. Two words that, when combined, mean something completely different than the word father. Two words that carry a weight that cannot be measured. A Heavenly Father is one that should love, protect, and be worthy of trust, just as a father should, but He does so in a perfect and unfailing manner.

A Heavenly Father is one that is unselfish, one that truly cares for you. Heavenly Father, words that have higher standards than the word father, and yet, those standards are always met. Unlike the men that are titled father, the being who has the title of Heavenly Father is perfect. What we expect from him will be fulfilled.

Maybe if we cared more about our Heavenly Father than we do about our earthly ones we would be less heartbroken. Maybe we wouldn’t be so hurt and feel such pain if our value came from our Father above rather than the one down here. Maybe we wouldn’t have to ask why he isn’t here if we stopped staking so much on fathers and started staking everything on our Heavenly Father.

Maybe we wouldn’t be so insecure if we dwelt on God’s love instead of the lack of love from our fathers. Maybe we wouldn’t be so disappointed if we put our faith in the one who keeps all of his promises and never breaks our trust, rather than humans who cannot live out perfection.

Father. Heavenly Father. Two completely different concepts, given to two completely different beings. How could we be so impacted by people who cannot fairly be held to the standards set for them? We should instead be so impacted by the fact that our Heavenly Father surpasses the standards set for him.

Our fathers may not live up to their name, but our Heavenly Father does. When the word father comes out of my mouth it doesn’t taste good; it’s messy, it’s complicated. When I say the words, Heavenly Father, they not only warm my heart and bring a smile to my face, but they also taste sweet. Sweeter than anything else in the world. It’s beautifully uncomplicated.

Instead of focusing on fathers and their failures, let’s think about our Heavenly Father and his faithfulness. Heavenly Father, what a sweet name.

The Story Behind the Writing

I know my view of fathers in this piece of writing is quite bleak, so I’d just like to say that my view has certainly softened in the last few years, and God has shown me some men who have stepped up into the role of a father in ways that truly honor God. But back then, my view on fathers was very pessimistic. Not all fathers are terrible, and I know that should go without saying, but I want to be clear about it.

I know many fathers who are just about as good as a human being can be. There are so many fathers who love the Lord and follow Him with their whole self. There are many fathers who love their children selflessly and sacrificially. Praise the Lord for all the fathers who reflect our Heavenly Father in the way they treat their children! They are out there, and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. Now that I’ve said that I can tell you more!

I wrote this right around Christmas of 2017. It was the first Christmas I spent without my dad. My dad bought me a typewriter as a gift, and this is what I wrote. I was feeling overwhelmed with so many emotions as I wrote this. I was missing my dad because I still wasn’t sure how to live without him, but I was so angry that I missed him. I was angry at him for being a terrible father and I was upset that I knew so many other terrible fathers.

When you write on a typewriter, there is very little room for error. Unless you go back and use white-out, what you write is what stays on the page. I wrote this in one sitting and I didn’t go back and fix anything. When I started writing it, I didn’t think I was going to bring God into it, but God brought Himself into it. I thought I would just vent about how terrible my dad was and some of the other fathers I knew, and then I would call it a day. But that’s not what happened.

Once I wrote about the disappointing fathers in my life, there was still more to be said, and I believe God wanted to show me something. I realized that I had one of the worst fathers, but I also had the best Father in the world—God, my Heavenly Father.

That has always been the way I connect most with God. There are so many aspects to Him; Savior, Friend, Rock, Redeemer, Healer, King—but Father, that has always been my favorite way to relate to God. The fact that He has loved us so perfectly, so unconditionally, so purely—that is the most amazing thing in the world.

I realized as I was writing this piece that there are some pretty high expectations for fathers. I think it is perfectly okay to have high expectations and it is actually a good thing. Fathers should love and protect their children and children should be able to trust their fathers. I think fathers should strive to be the very best they can be and try to love their children like Jesus would.

I think we get into a dangerous spot when we expect fathers to be perfect and to fulfill us. When we expect them to never fail and to never be selfish. That is just not attainable, but there is someone who can attain this.

God, our Heavenly Father, truly is perfect and will never fail you and will never mess up. He is the only father in the world that will always do right and will never disappoint you. For those of us who have fathers who have deeply wronged us and messed up in huge ways, this idea of a perfect father seems insane. If you feel that way, this post is for you!

I honestly still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that God loves me perfectly. But when I look back on my life, I can’t find a time where God has messed up or disappointed me. He has been there for me every single time, He has loved me in purity and done so selflessly, He has protected me, and I trust Him 100%. I want you to know that you can have a perfect Father too.

God loves you more than you can ever imagine and certainly more than you deserve. He is a God of justice; when you are wronged or when someone sins against you, God hurts for you, He is full of righteous anger, and He will defend you. When you are sad or lonely or in pain, He is there for you, and He will comfort you. God cares for you with absolute purity and loves you sacrificially. Everything God does is for your good and His glory, He will always do what is right and what is best.

For those of us who have earthly dads that have failed us, there is still hope! Even if you didn’t have a bad dad or you were never able to know your father, God’s love is for you and He wants to be your Father. I would invite you to ask God to be your Heavenly Father and to let Him love you in a way you have never been loved before. When you ask God to be your father, your life changes. He will mend your broken heart, He will show you how valuable you are, He will fulfill every promise He has made to you, He will prove worthy of trust, He will show you the sweetness of the words, Heavenly Father.

When you have a relationship with God and you are His child, He totally redefines the way you think of the word father. I am not saying that there won’t be any hurt from the wounds of your earthly dad, and there won’t be any pain that still shows up. Those things that happened still happened, but there is so much healing as you learn to trust your Heavenly Father in spite of everything your earthly father has done.

Experiencing God’s love is truly the best medicine for any hurt that you have been through. If you allow Him to shower His love on you, you will once again be able to utter the word father with a smile on your face. No longer will that word be complicated and messy, it will be sweet. I hope you will seek to be His child; despite the pain you’ve been through in the past. Be brave, let your Heavenly Father love you. That’s what I have done, and it has changed my life.

I am so thankful that I have experienced the love of a perfect Father, and I hope you will experience that love too. If the people in your life who were supposed to care for you and protect you did the exact opposite, I am truly sorry for what you have gone through. I hope that you run to God and that every hurt you have been through will be healed and that you can experience wholeness again.  Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤