How I Came to Know Jesus

As I was thinking about how to start my blog and what I should write about first, I shied away from telling you about my childhood and the story of how I came to know Jesus. I was hesitant because there are some sensitive topics and things that people in my life haven’t heard. I thought maybe I would wait to talk about the darker stuff, and I would try to find something easier to share first.

But if there is anything that God has shown me in the last few years, it’s that He rarely asks us to take the easy route. In fact, just about every time in my experience, God has asked me to take the harder route, the one I want to avoid with every fiber of my being. So, naturally, here I am about to dive right into the hard stuff.

Despite all of that, I do feel that it makes the most sense to first tell you about how I became the woman I am today. Most of that has to do with how I grew up and the fact that I met Jesus.

As a kid, I had so many blessings in my life. I had a mom who loved and took care of me, we were decently financially secure, I had 5 awesome older siblings, and I was surrounded by people who loved me and loved Jesus. I grew up going to church every Sunday and having a Bible Study every Friday night at our house. My dad was the worship pastor at our church and Bible Study, and he often led the discussions during the study.

I was homeschooled by my mom, and I had so many wonderful friends in that community who made school fun and exciting. I had so many influential women in my life as well, teaching and educating me. I loved learning and I honestly thrived in school.

So, from the outside looking in, everything seemed to be great. People in my life often talked about how great my family was, how lucky I was, and how awesome my parents were. Yes, I was very blessed in many ways, and I am extremely grateful for those blessings. But in some ways, my life was extremely difficult from a very young age.

When I was 4 years old, my dad started sexually abusing me. This abuse went on for years. It also morphed into manipulation and control issues that caused emotional, mental, and even spiritual abuse. The physical side of the abuse lessened significantly when I hit my teen years, but it never really stopped. When I was 17 years old, I finally opened up to my mom and my siblings about what had been going on. Not until that time, when my dad was kicked out of my house, did the abuse truly stop.

There are so many factors that played into why I wasn’t able to tell anyone I was being abused for so long, and I would like to talk about that in another post down the road. I will also share the story of how God helped me to open up and expose the sin that had been going on in secret. But for now, I want to share more about how I encountered God and chose to follow Him even while this abuse was happening.

As I mentioned before, I was heavily involved in church even as a kid. I was surrounded by Christians and people who followed Jesus, as well as those who falsely claimed to follow Him, like my dad. The key to me being able to not rule out God as a being worth following was recognizing the difference between who God is and who those that profess to follow Him are.

God is not like man that He should sin. God is perfect and has no flaws. God does no wrong and He would never do anything like the things my dad chose to do. Some people ask how I can believe in and follow a God who would let me go through the abuse I went through. That is something I struggled with during my childhood, but I always knew that God was hurting for me so much as I went through that.

He wept with me and hurt with me. He never wants to see His children get hurt, but God allows man to choose his own actions. Just as God allows me to make my own choices, He allowed my dad to make his. God doesn’t always stop terrible things from happening, but every single time something terrible does happen, He will use it and make something beautiful out of it. Not one of the struggles or trials you or I have gone through in our lives has been in vain, and I know that is the truth.

Of course, if I could go back and change what I have been through, there is no way I would choose to go through that abuse. Abuse is always wrong, and it is never something I will be able to look back on and be thankful for. I don’t think God would ask us to be thankful for any suffering we have been through, or that He would expect us to go through suffering with a smile. Suffering is suffering no matter how you want to frame it. But at the end of the day, I am thankful that God was with me through that suffering and that He uses what I have been through for my good, the good of others, and His glory.

During the abuse, I felt so alone. As a kid, I was confused about what was happening and I hated it. It caused me a lot of pain and it was extremely difficult to cope with. But I distinctly remember the moment I went from being alone and hopeless to realizing I had a loving, Heavenly Father who cared so deeply for me. He offered me comfort, peace, and hope in my situation.

I can’t remember every detail, but I do remember I had been crying in the shower after something happened with my dad. I got out of the shower and as I stood there, trying to collect myself and keep pushing through the sadness, I had this sudden feeling of warmth and I felt seen. In that moment, I knew that God was with me, He loved me, and that He wanted to have a relationship with me. I knew that He would never hurt me and that He desired to protect me.

I had heard the gospel before and I knew a lot about the Bible and the stories in it, but I had never personally chosen to follow God and have a relationship with Him. That was the moment where I decided to believe the things I had learned and to have faith that God was who He said He was, He was good, and He was the only one in the world who could love me perfectly.

After experiencing the abusive and toxic relationship I had with my earthly dad, the feeling of being in a relationship with a Father who loved me so purely, unconditionally, and wholly, was and is the best feeling I have ever had. That moment has changed my entire life. I honestly don’t know if I would be alive today if I hadn’t encountered God that day. Not only did God offer me salvation and a new life, but He literally saved my life.

I don’t remember exactly how old I was when that happened, I think I was around 6 or 7 years old. After I got saved, the abuse didn’t stop, and my situation remained the same. The thing that made it possible for me to even keep moving forward in my life was my relationship with God.

I’m sure you have heard people say that God doesn’t promise us an easy life, but He promises us that He will be there through every bit of it. I can see why that sometimes doesn’t feel good enough, or it almost feels like someone is mocking you. But if you feel that way it is probably because you have never experienced what it is like for God to be with you through everything, it truly changes your life. When God is with you, the hard things are still hard, but the impossible things are now possible. God allows us to move through grief, pain, abuse, tragedy, and trauma in ways that are not possible without Him. He makes a way where there is no way.

I know that it is so hard to understand how God allows anything bad to happen when we know He is also powerful enough to change any circumstance. But the bad things that go on in our lives and in the world have so much more to do with the depravity of man and the fallen state of our world than they do with God’s character. Bad things don’t happen because God doesn’t care, they happen because sin destroyed God’s perfect design.

From the very beginning of creation, God was good. He always has been, and He always will be good, and no circumstance in the world or experience you have had changes God’s goodness.

When I remember the abuse I have been through, all of the really awful things my dad has done, and how much hurt he has caused me and my family, I don’t blame God. My dad is the one who chose to do those things, and he is the only one responsible for those actions and that hurt. When I think about how much healing has happened in me and my family over the past few years and the ways my experiences have been used to help others, I give all the glory to God. For me, it’s that simple.

That is the story of the choice I made to surrender to God and have a relationship with Him, but there is so much more that God has done in my heart since then. I will be sharing how God continued to move after that day in my next post.

I would also just like to say, if you are struggling to believe that God is good, or you are blaming Him for the bad things that have happened to you, I would encourage you to bring those doubts and that hurt to God. Pray through those things and be honest with Him. Have conversations with people in your life that you trust and be honest with them as well. Talk to those who have learned to believe in God’s goodness and have managed to no longer blame Him for the suffering they’ve experienced. Read God’s Word, starting in Genesis. These are all things I did to find out if I could truly, 100% trust God.

Even though that journey is scary because you’re afraid you might find out God isn’t good, it is so worth it. If you can’t completely trust God and trust that He ultimately wants your good and His glory, then He isn’t worth following. So, I challenge you to ask those questions and find out what you truly believe. Don’t be afraid to solidify your beliefs, one way or another, God will provide answers to your questions.

I would also like to mention, if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse—please, please, please reach out to someone. Talk to someone, a family member, a friend, a leader in your church, or even the police. It is extremely difficult to talk about abuse, especially if that is something you have never shared before, but things will get so much better when you get help.

No one ever deserves to be in an abusive situation and abusers should always be held accountable and responsible for their actions. If you feel unable to talk about what you are going through, I understand where you are coming from, and my heart goes out to you. I would encourage you to think about it, and if you can’t get yourself to reach out to someone in your close circle, I am always here. If you would like to contact me, go to the “Contact” page on this site. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤