Survivors Thriving and Writing

This past weekend, I had an opportunity to go on a retreat called the Survivors Thriving and Writing Retreat. It was created by Tori Hope Peterson who is the leader of The Beloved Initiative Non-profit. She wanted to create a space for survivors of trauma and abuse to learn and grow together in their writing, publishing, and speaking journeys. This is what she set out to do, but I would argue that she accomplished so much more than that at this retreat.

It is really crazy to think that Tori chose me to go on this retreat out of all the applicants that could have been chosen. I had never heard of Tori until about a month ago when my mother-in-law sent me a link to the application for the survivors’ retreat. I read the description and was like, what the heck, why was this made for me? It was an experience curated for survivors of abuse or trauma who were working on writing books and wanted to publish them in the future. After reading about it, I thought, I have to apply even though there is no way I will be picked.

I applied that night and the next day I had a message in my Instagram DMs from Tori, she wanted me to come! I could not even believe it. That day was a whirlwind of talking to my husband and others trying to figure out if I could go. I was so scared to go, but at the same time, it seemed like God was opening all the doors and moving aside every obstacle so that I could go. With that in mind, Dillon encouraged me to do it and we took the leap of faith and said yes!

When I walked into our cabin on the first evening of the retreat, Tori greeted me with a bright smile and a warm hug. She was so kind and welcoming from the very start. She made me feel like she was so excited to have me there, which made me that much more excited to be there!


This is what I wrote during our first “free write” time.

Understood

I was in a room full of women who just met, but within the first few minutes, we were all teary-eyed. Looking across the room, I could just tell that these women got it. I don’t have to explain what trauma is like. I don’t have to explain what it is like to be abused. I don’t have to explain how hard it is to deal with PTSD. I could tell that their hearts were in sync with mine.

We had a moment of silence where we tried to do a “healing prayer.” We were instructed to think of a word and just sit with God, asking Him to show us what parts of us needed healing and allowing Him to speak into those areas. There were so many emotions in me as I heard sniffles beside me and in front of me. I knew that most of these women knew God, loved God, and yet we all have so much pain to face.

The moment I was told to think of a word, I knew what it would be. “Understood.” Even before we were sitting in silence, while the speaker was teaching, I had this moment where I looked around the room and just started tearing up. I thought to myself, I have never felt more understood in a room full of people.

I sat there silently and told God how it was so surreal being in a room with young women like me and women in their thirties and forties who are still healing. To see that even they are still in the process of healing was so special for me. I have this fear that I am supposed to one day just have it all together, but I don’t see how that is possible. But I am realizing, I don’t have to have it all together, there will never be a moment where I have arrived at full healing until I am with Jesus.

I knew that, but this is a different knowing. A knowing you don’t just have in your head, a knowing you feel in your bones. I KNOW that it is okay that I am not okay. I feel in my bones that I don’t have to be guilty or frustrated that I am not fully healed and that I still struggle. I have never felt the type of compassion for myself the way I have felt it in this cabin. I have never had such empathy and understanding toward myself except at this moment.

To be seen, known, and loved—to be understood, this is something I have longed for my entire life. I have reached this point where I felt like nobody gets it, nobody understands the struggles and the pain, and the exhaustion of always fighting this fight. But these women do get it.

At that moment when I prayed, I started to see that God understands infinitely more than these women do. He has been with me from the moment I was conceived, and He has never left me since. He rejoiced over me at my birth, and He loved me unconditionally throughout the years of abuse. He wept, He hurt, and He desired what was best for me. I have blocked out years of my life, there are so many things I do not remember from my childhood, and yet, God remembers it all.

He remembers every tear I cried out to Him in agony and every hurt that I felt. He remembers every moment I was abused and every fear I’ve had. He remembers every bit of loneliness I have battled. He remembers every fake smile that I forced. He remembers every single moment I felt so misunderstood. He remembers it all.

How could I think that God is a God of apathy and that He doesn’t care? He cares deeply and more deeply than I can know. If these women who know about 1% of my personal story really get it and really understand me, how much more does God? God knows 100% of my story and He was there the entire time. If these women have so much compassion and love for me that it moves them to tears after meeting me just last night, how much more does God have compassion and love for me?

God has known me since before the beginning, He knit me together in my mother’s womb. God knows the number of hairs on my head and the number of freckles on my face. God knows the many times I cried all by myself, the times I was used and declared worthless. He knows what brings me joy and laughter, He knows what puts a smile on my face. God knows the deepest corners of my soul. He knows the thoughts I have never spoken out loud. God knows me. God understands me. I am SEEN. I am KNOWN. I am LOVED. I am UNDERSTOOD.

I am not alone, and I never was. God has been with me since the beginning, and He will be with me to the end. Jesus knows what it is to be human. Jesus knows what it is to suffer, to feel lonely, to feel misunderstood. Jesus knows what it is like to be abused and mistreated. Jesus knows pain. Jesus knows my pain. Jesus knows my suffering. Jesus knows my loneliness. Jesus knows the way I feel misunderstood. Jesus knows the abuse I endured and the ways I have been mistreated. Jesus knows me. Jesus understands me. I am understood.


I am not sure if I have ever had such an impactful experience in my life. I am not exaggerating when I say that this retreat changed my life and many of the other women who went. I knew what it was like to connect with other survivors of abuse because that is something I am lucky enough to be a part of in my normal life. But to walk into a space with twelve total strangers and almost immediately sense a connection the way I did was something so POWERFUL. It was something I hadn’t ever experienced.

Feeling misunderstood was the norm in my life. I grew up always feeling misunderstood by my friends and even by my family. The first time I started feeling understood in my life was when I was seventeen and finally told my family about my dad abusing me for most of my childhood. In the last five years, I have started a journey of walking into the light, being seen, being known, and being understood.

This experience with these survivors was totally and completely overwhelming. When we had that moment of silence in prayer and communion with God the first night, tears just started flooding my face. The woman next to me, who I hadn’t met yet (Brittany ❤ ), reached over and gently held my hand. Tori came and sat next to me as I cried. I realized that I REALLY wasn’t alone. I thought I knew that, but this moment was when it sunk all the way into my soul that I truly was not alone.

These women, these survivors, they know what it is like to be abused, neglected, and in pain. They know what it is like to live with trauma and the kind of strength it takes to not let it crush you. I had this realization and then another followed. God understands too. He understands far more than any of these women ever could. That was one of the biggest things I learned, but there are so many more.

One of the things that just hit me like a truck was the love and compassion a couple of the women had for me. They literally treated me like their daughter. They cried with me, hugged me, held my hand, listened to my story, and expressed fierce love and protection for me. They nurtured me in a way that brought so much healing to me.

Something that I shared from the retreat was the way this trip sparked compassion for myself. I loved those women there with a love so strong it hurt, and somehow that love made its way back around to me. I felt empathy and compassion for myself more than I ever have. As I broke for the women I met who had experienced such pain and horrible abuse, I also broke for myself. It was a strange thing, but something that has brought me a lot of comfort.

I learned SO much about the experience of growing up in the foster care system from the ladies there. About half of the women on the retreat were former foster care youth and they opened my eyes to so much. I talked to one woman (Mikalyn ❤ ) for probably two hours the first night and her story showed me so much. The understanding I have of the foster care system and the impact it has on people has grown so much and I still have A LOT to learn about it. But I am so grateful for the women who were willing to share their experiences with me.

I also just felt more than ever that you never know someone’s story until you ask. The importance of listening to people and seeking to understand them is very apparent to me even more now. I feel like some of those women are like my closest friends after this weekend, and I probably never would have met them if I didn’t go to this retreat. Never assume anything about anyone, we really can’t know anything about people unless we actually take the time to know them. This experience made me realize I need to ask people about their stories way more often, and I need to be way more open to connecting with strangers even if it’s uncomfortable at first.

I also got to hear several women (speakers and authors) who gave invaluable wisdom and advice on writing books, publishing, and growing an audience. I got to hear from these women who have gone through the process of sharing their stories and facing their pain. I learned so much about what it takes to write and publish a book, and how important it really is for us to share our stories. I was so impacted and touched by the vulnerability and strength from each of them.

I could go on and on about all of the many things I learned this weekend and how deeply impactful the experience really was. I am still processing it and unpacking everything I have learned. God really SHOWED UP and showed out and I am so, so thankful that I chose to go even though I was scared (Tori encouraged us to “just do it scared!”).

To me, this experience was literally priceless. My biggest takeaways from this weekend are that I AM UNDERSTOOD, and I AM NOT ALONE.

Thank you, Tori and Beloved Initiative, for creating this sacred space for survivors. Thank you to every sponsor and collaborator who made it possible for us to have this experience. And thank you, God, for being so present and never leaving us. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Encouragement: Put Your Hope in Christ

These past couple of weeks have been hard, and that seems to be going around. I’ve talked to several people who have been facing some setbacks, challenges, discouragement, hurt, unexpected changes—some hard things. One unfortunate part of this life is that it is often difficult. No matter who you are, you know this to be true.

This week I ran into a friend at a coffee shop and we both just shared with one another how our lives have been going recently. We talked about grieving over losses in our lives and how we needed to adapt to the ways things are changing. We laughed and we got teary-eyed, we shared our praises and our woes with one another, then we prayed together. We thanked God for His goodness, for the way He is always with us and always has good plans. We shared hope with each other and encouraged one another, and the way we did that was through reminding each other of the hope we have in Christ.

It struck me that even with the really difficult weeks we both had, we shared so much hope and peace with one another. Yes, there is room to express the struggles we go through, and yet, there should be SO much more room to share the hope we have even in those struggles.

I was thinking through this past week and the way the Lord has just been my hope and my rock, and then that spontaneous yet not-so-coincidental interaction with my friend and I just felt the need to share this encouragement. This hope we have is not meant to be hoarded or hidden. It is meant to be shared as much as possible. Whether you are new to this hope I am talking about, or you cling tightly to it, I want to share in it with you today.

There are 4 things I’m sharing: Bible Verses, a book that gives me hope, songs that have encouraged me, and an app that has helped me have peace and focus on God. The main thing I am going to share is some of the Bible passages I have been reading this week that have given me peace and reassurance. I hope you are encouraged and that this gives you hope that is very much needed.

Bible Passages For Encouragement

1)Psalm 23

“1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.”

2)2 Corinthians 1:3-11

Praise to the God of All Comfort

“3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

3)Romans 8:1-2

Life Through the Spirit

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. “

4)Romans 8:18-39

Present Suffering and Future Glory

“18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

5)Ephesians 6:10-18

“10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

6)Psalm 27

“1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
    to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.”

7)Isaiah 55:6-11

“6 Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

8)John 14:27

“27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

9)Proverbs 13:12

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

10)Galatians 5:1

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

11)Galatians 5:22-25

“22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

12)Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

13)John 3:16-21

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

14)Acts, honestly just all of Acts…

Songs I’ve Been Playing on Repeat:

1)“God Will Work it out” -Maverick City Music

2)“First Things First” -Shane and Shane

3)“Glorious Day”-Passion

4)“Jireh”-Maverick City Music

5)“Promises” Maverick City Music

6)“Worthy of My Song (Worthy of it All)”-Phil Wickham, Chandler Moore

7)“QUIET”-Elevation Rhythm

8)“Better Word”-Leeland

9)“Reason to Praise”-Cory Asbury

10)“1,000 Names”-Phil Wickham

“The Gospel Primer” by Milton Vincent

This little book is one of the most life-giving and Gospel-centering books you could find. It encourages me more than any book besides the Bible. It explains how the Gospel actually applies to our everyday lives in a way I never understood before. I could list so many quotes from this book, but instead, I will just leave the link here so you can go buy it. So… go buy it!

Click here to buy The Gospel Primer

The Glorify App

This app has encouraged me very much recently. It has allowed me to start my mornings reading or listening to Scripture and reflecting on what it says. I am new to this app and don’t think it is quite as solid as the Bible App in interpretation. It should be said that there have been a couple of possible misinterpretations of some passages, but 99% are solid. The part that I enjoy most in this app is the meditations. There are tons that incorporate reading Scripture and declaring Biblical promises and truths over your life. It is very different than any other type of meditation I have seen in that it is fully centered on God. It has centered me on Scripture and has helped me practice meditating and dwelling on Scripture.

Here are some of the meditations I listened to this past week that I really enjoyed:

Psalm Morning Meditation

Dealing With Trauma

Anxiety, Stress, and Fear Release Meditation

Thankfulness Meditation

I know this post hasn’t been many of my own words, but I’m realizing more and more of my role in this life is to point others to the only one who can really give them hope: JESUS. I seek to share the things I’ve learned with you as much as possible, and today I wanted to be sure to share some resources. These are the things that have been giving me life, I hope they give you life as well. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

A Broken Girl, a Patient Boy, and a Good God

A few months ago, I shared the story of how Dillon and I began a friendship and how we started dating a year later. God was so kind and so present during that season of life, and He remained that way once Dillon and I started dating.

I thought it was fitting to go back down this road of sharing my love story because Dillon and I’s 2nd anniversary is on August 2nd (two days away)! As part of the celebration of the fact that God saw fit to bring us together, I am reflecting on my story with Dillon and the sweet memories.

If you would like to go read the first part of our story before continuing this blog post, click this link to go check it out: https://rejoicing-in-truth.com/2022/03/27/waiting-singleness-and-an-oblivious-boy/

The things I would like to share in this post are a few stories about the hardship of dating after abuse, some of the really sweet memories of dating, how God was so good in our relationship, encouragement for people scared of dating/marriage, and a tribute to Dillon.

The place I left off on the last blog about this was at the point where we “officially” started dating. The day after it was official, we sat at Loch Norse at NKU and hashed out some expectations and boundaries, and we basically laid everything out on the table at the beginning of our relationship.

Dillon knew my past with sexual abuse, he knew my dad was not around and that relationship was very complicated, he knew I struggled with PTSD from the trauma—Dillon knew many things about me. We were close friends before dating and I didn’t shy away from those deep details of my life.

I think I reminded him again in that conversation that I had a lot of baggage. I said something to the effect of, “If you don’t think you can handle all my baggage I understand, and now’s the time to say so.” I know, that is a sad thing to say, but I meant it with all sincerity. I had my insecurities about being “too much” and just having too much baggage, and I honestly would have understood if he said, “Okay, bye.” But the response I got instead was, “I think I can handle it,” with a gentle smile. At that moment when Dillon didn’t even flinch, I had a feeling this was going to last.

Since I had shared most of my past with him at this point, Dillon shared more of his past with me. He had one girlfriend previously and he shared more of that story. We both allowed each other to ask questions and we both gave honest answers. We talked about our convictions for staying pure in our dating relationship and how we could have good boundaries.

During that conversation, I asked if we could hold hands, and Dillon said, “Okay,” with a shrug. If you know me well, or if you have ever had to hold my hand during prayer (LOL!), you know my hands tend to be a little sweaty… well, this is only exacerbated by nerves. I think I warned Dillon before he held my hand, and he laughed, though I don’t think he cared much. I felt butterflies in my stomach that night and was just so giddy! Just this week, I brought up this memory at Loch Norse and without prompting he said, “With your sweaty hands.” Lol! I share these details because I think they’re funny and because it shows how nervous I was, but also how kind and understanding Dillon has always been 🙂

That night was one of the best nights of my life. It was the first time Dillon and I talked about our future together and made goals and plans as a couple, which is now one of my favorite things to do with him! ❤ It made me so excited to be on the same page as each other and to think about what was in store for us.

I’ll be honest, I don’t remember a ton of details about the first week of our dating. But I do remember that week was the first time I was faced with being vulnerable with a guy and communicating well in a deeper relationship. I don’t remember the specifics, but I remember I was having a really hard time with some trauma stuff and I was shutting down.

Dillon and I ate lunch together like we did most days, and I sat there with tears falling down my face while I stared at my water bottle. He asked me what was wrong, but I felt like I couldn’t tell him. I told him I was sad but trying to tell him why felt so scary. Now that we were dating, the pressure of intimacy and openness was so intimidating to me. That night, we met up and I shared why I was sad. I remember struggling so hard to let him see me cry. I fought back the tears and hid my face, I hated to let him see me so vulnerable. But I fought through it and Dillon was so patient with me. He let me take my time and never put pressure on me.

That night was the first of many, MANY times where I cried in front of Dillon, and he listened to me and comforted me. Slowly but surely, I started building more and more trust with him and learning how to open up and be a good communicator. It definitely took time and loads of grace from Dillon and from God, but I started growing.

It’s funny too because now I look back on all those hard conversations and they are just so sweet. The closeness that brought in my and Dillon’s relationship was really special. To this day, I still hate letting anyone see me cry, including Dillon, but it has gotten a lot easier, and it always provides an opportunity for Dillon to love me and comfort me so well.

I remember another time later into our dating relationship when we were with some other people and Dillon put his hand on my thigh, and I was immediately so triggered. I started feeling panicky and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I shut down and couldn’t speak. Dillon noticed quickly and moved.

A little later, he and I had time alone and without me even explaining anything, he just hugged me and told me I was safe. I fell apart a bit because I was so frustrated with my PTSD response to something so small and I was so overwhelmed by how kind and caring Dillon was. He had no idea that I would be triggered by that, nor did I. But once he saw my response, he took care of me so well. When I finally regained my composure, I told him what happened and why it triggered me. He was so understanding and gentle with me. He respected my sensitivities and needs so well.

In these ways, God helped me to grow so much in our dating relationship. I was in a safe space to learn how to be vulnerable with someone and to learn how to overcome my triggers with them.

God was so good to me to provide a man who was just naturally good at loving someone with my past. Dillon had no reason to really know how to approach comforting someone with a past of sexual abuse, but God gifted him with learning seamlessly.

God was also so good to teach me how to communicate in a way I never had known before. Being open when I was hurting and being able to explain why was a skill I had to learn, but God helped me to do it. God also gave me the strength and courage to be open and to be vulnerable when those were the last things I would have naturally done.

Honestly, a few months into dating Dillon I was just absolutely in love with him. I knew I wanted to marry him. Dillon was a little less reckless and a little slower to the punch, which is fitting, but we talked about marriage after a year of dating, and we knew that was what we wanted.

The joy of getting to know someone and allowing them to know you is so great. The adventure of figuring out each other’s personalities, quirks, pet peeves, and greatest passions is so fun. I remember the transition of Dillon being an acquaintance, to a friend, to a close friend, and then after dating becoming my best friend.

Having the same goals and beliefs was such a blast in our dating relationship. Being involved in ministry at the BCM throughout college, serving at our church, reading God’s Word together, worshipping side by side—all these things were the most special part of dating.

Then, after dating for a while, having those conversations of marriage, the day Dillon proposed, planning our wedding and our future, then getting married—those memories are so precious. And now I can’t imagine my life without Dillon.

So, here are a few encouragements to those people who are so scared of dating and being in an intimate relationship. For one thing, I’d like to tell you that you are not alone. Many people have fears about this for numerous reasons. To be honest, it is scary, and it does take work. But God is so gracious and kind in helping us and strengthening us when we are struggling—including in relationships.

I would encourage you to invite your trusted friends and family members into your dating relationship. If the people who love you get a bad feeling about someone you are dating, that is usually a red flag. If you are including those loved ones, the person you end up with should be someone who loves you well and whom you are safe with.

If you think there is no one out there who is good, that everyone is not safe or trustworthy or kind—that is not true. There are people out there that will treat you well and you will be safe with them. There are men who will protect you, respect you, and take care of you. I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. No one is perfect, but abusive behavior, disrespect, and apathy are not traits that your future partner will have, God willing.

If you do date or get married, you will grow and change and be challenged in ways you never have and that will make you a better and stronger person. And when you find your person, it will be the most special relationship you can have. It will be worth it. Not everyone is meant to date or marry, but if the only thing stopping you is fear don’t let it!

Now, some words to my husband.

Dillon,

Honestly, I can’t believe we have been married for two years. It feels like forever and the blink of an eye at the same time. All I can say is that I am so thankful for you and so amazed by the blessings God has revealed to me in our marriage so far.

I could have never imagined the kindness, gentleness, and patience of the man I would get to marry. I couldn’t have imagined the faithfulness, steadiness, and love that I would get to see every day from you. You have honestly blown my mind in our relationship, showing me that a man can love and respect a woman, that he can serve her and care for her selflessly with no hidden motives.

I couldn’t have imagined feeling seen and cherished and beautiful the way you make me feel. I couldn’t have imagined being held and comforted the way you have for me. I couldn’t have pictured all of the laughing and silliness we would take part in together. I couldn’t have expected to have the most fun and exciting little adventures so often.

I couldn’t have known all of the extremely difficult things we would walk through in just two years of marriage. I couldn’t have predicted the ways we would have grown closer in our relationship and closer to God through all of the hardship.

I have been so extremely grateful for the goodness and intimacy and rawness, the love and service and compassion, and for the teamwork and dreams and excitement…. By all the aspects of marriage that no one can really explain to you, you just have to experience them yourself.

I can’t express how much I love you, husband, and I can’t describe how thankful I am to be married to you. God has been so good to me, so good to us. If this is what two years looked like, I can’t wait to see what our future holds!

I can only imagine the goodness, sweetness, and yes difficulty of what is ahead. With your hand in mine and our eyes on God—I cannot wait to see what awaits. I love you so much Dillon❤️ happy anniversary! Let’s keep killin’ it.

Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

In Church

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Abuse


I saw a guitar and thought of you.

When you used to play your guitar

the tension in my body lessened.

Either because you made beautiful music or because it meant your hands were occupied.


Better to caress the strings of a guitar than the skin of your daughter.

Better to play with the body of your instrument than to play with my body.


I saw a guitar and then

the memories followed.

No longer of you making music,

but now of you making your way

into my pants.


I stood in church as people around me sang praises to God.

I didn’t sing.


The Story Behind the Poem

This is obviously a very sensitive poem. It immediately evokes a lot of emotion and it is short but effective. I remember this moment like it was yesterday, though it was years ago.

We went to church that Sunday, just like we always did. I couldn’t tell you what was going on in my life exactly at this time, though I can tell you it involved PTSD and working through loads of trauma. I think it was a year, to a year and a half after I first started facing the abuse I had been through.

I may have been having an off day, I may have already been in a sensitive state that morning. I couldn’t tell you why on that specific day I was triggered in church, or why the flashbacks to my dad and his guitar invaded my mind at that specific moment. Something like that had never happened to me in church during worship.

Worship was normally an escape from flashbacks and triggers. It was a time when I focused on God and His faithfulness in my life. A time where I cried out to Him in honesty—some days that meant thankfulness and praise, some days it meant agony and heartache. That day, that day was different. For the first time in my born-again life, I could not sing to the Lord in church.

I saw that guitar on the stage and my mind bounced back to memories from years of growing up: my dad sitting at the kitchen island singing songs and playing his guitar. As I walked down the stairs, I would hear him strumming, it meant I was safe.

I loved listening to him play. I may not have known why I loved those jam sessions at the moment, but now I know it was because he couldn’t touch me while he was playing his guitar. I would have liked to think it was because he was a great musician, which he was, but that really wasn’t why.

That morning at church, I saw that guitar on stage and then my mind went back to the image of one of my dad’s hands on the neck of his guitar, and the other with a pick in his fingers. Then the scene slowly changed to those times without that guitar, where his hands were free to touch me. Standing there in church while everyone praised the Lord, I saw images of my dad abusing me. How was I supposed to sing?

I’d like to take this chance to share a little bit about trauma responses for those of you that may not know what it is like yourself. This is one of those things that some people will just never be able to understand. If you don’t have experience with sexual trauma, you couldn’t know the fear you feel in those moments, but I would love to try to help you understand so that you can better love and have more compassion for those people who have to deal with these moments.

People who have gone through trauma can be triggered by so many different things, words, sounds, smells, images, or physical interactions. You feel so helpless in those situations because your body reacts in a way that you cannot control.

Your body keeps the score of the trauma you have been through. Even if you don’t consciously keep track of it or you aren’t aware of it, your body will recognize those things that once meant danger or harm, and it goes into freeze, fight, or flight mode.

My response to trauma has always been to freeze or dissociate. If you don’t know what dissociate means, I will try to explain it just a bit. It basically means you are disconnected from your thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity. You feel detached from your environment, the people around you, and your body.

This response and the freeze response are basically the opposite of fight or flight. You don’t defend yourself, and you don’t run. This is actually a very common response to abuse or danger, though it feels like the exact opposite of what you want to do. I guess it was my body’s way of trying to protect me—though it never did me much good.

When I am triggered, I tend to go back into those modes of freezing and dissociating because my body takes me back to those traumatic events. That morning in church, without being able to control it, I froze. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I  couldn’t speak, I definitely couldn’t sing, and if I was able to, I wouldn’t have wanted to.

I will be the first to say that the Lord is always worthy of our praise, that He is always good, and that He never wavers or changes. But I will also be the first to say that there are times when it is just gut-wrenchingly hard to praise Him. When it seems impossible to acknowledge His goodness and faithfulness. This was one of those times for me.

Not because it was God’s fault that I was abused. Not because I was angry at Him for what my dad did. Not because I blamed Him for the fact that I was triggered and struggling with flashbacks. But simply because I was hurting so deeply. Simply because I couldn’t see past the fear and violation running through my mind.

When people struggle to praise the Lord, when they can’t get their voice to sing to Him or even to cry out in distress—don’t be so quick to judge them. Don’t question their faith or their devotion to God. In those moments, you should try to understand their pain. Try to feel their hurt and sorrow, to mourn with them.

Instead of looking down on them, join them in their valley—because God is there with them too. God isn’t just present on the mountain top, for the victories, for the praising and joy. God is there with us in the mess, in the dark, and in hopeless situations. He cares about our hurting and our struggling.

I believe that God saw me that morning in church when I couldn’t sing. He saw beneath my frozen, dissociated expression. He saw past my emotionless eyes and my closed mouth. He knew exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I was thinking. He met me there. He joined me in the valley and allowed me the time and space to mourn and hurt.

We are not heartless, painless, perfect beings meant to mindlessly lift our hands in praise to God. There will be times when we struggle to praise God, when we feel like it is impossible. We are also meant to praise God through our struggles and even amidst our pain, but of course, there are times when we can’t, and God meets us there too because He is a gracious and compassionate God.

I don’t know what you are going through, but I can tell you that God cares deeply about you. Not only does He care, but He knows you and He knows every detail of your pain and your joy, of your laughter and your mourning, your anger and your kindness, your love and your hatred—He knows you. He wants to meet you exactly where you are if you will let Him.

I also want you to know that it is okay to struggle. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to fail. This life we live is a difficult one, one that no one goes through easily or gets through unscathed. If you have been through trauma or abuse, that is a whole other layer of suffering. I hope you know that in this process, in this struggling, there is healing and progress on its way.

I share these experiences with you to offer you the assurance that you are not alone. There are (unfortunately) many people who can relate to your pain and suffering, and we are all trying to find our way. I also share this with you to offer you hope that there is a God who loves you and wants to be in a relationship with you. That no matter how broken you are, He can repair you and bring healing. I hope that these blog posts offer insight to those of you who have no personal experience with trauma or abuse. Love those people around you that have been through those things, because it is not easy and we need your support. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Grey Space

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog post. Honestly, my life has been very busy with a mixed bag of things; some really wonderful and some really difficult. In the past month, I have rejoiced and wept, I have laughed and grieved. I have seen doors closing and others opening. I have made it through some hardships that had been going on for a long time and I have seen new hardships emerging. I am so excited about a lot of things that God is doing and at the same time, I struggle with areas I wish God would create breakthrough in. All that to say, I’m on a bit of a roller-coaster at the moment.

I know I can’t be the only one that has felt this way or is currently feeling this way. I can’t be the only one that is learning how to praise God for His goodness and faithfulness while also facing the realities in my life that could challenge me to question God. I know there are more people out there who might just feel a little bit crazy because so many conflicting feelings and attitudes are happening inside them all at once. I’m not sure if all that makes sense, or if anyone else will resonate with me on this, but that is truly where I am at.

I’d like to talk about toxic extremes. I think sometimes we believe that life can only go well or horrible, like everything sucks or everything is great. But that’s not really how life works, is it? Life is complex and contradictory. You’re allowed to work through hard things and still have joy in the process. One thing I often struggle with is this “black and white” mentality where there are two extremes and those are the only possibilities. When in reality, our lives often fall in the grey space, the in-between, or even a mixture of both good and bad.

What if we let ourselves accept that we can experience the joy, hope, and blessing of Christ while also experiencing the pain, brokenness, and destruction of sin? I think it would create a lot of freedom in our lives. If we can give ourselves and those around us permission to live in grey space, I think we wouldn’t get so stuck in toxic extremes.

Of course, as Christians we are supposed to walk in truth, walk in the Spirit, and walk in the light. This grey space I am referring to simply means allowing ourselves to have complex lives with good and bad things going on all at once. It means allowing ourselves to praise God even during hard times and allowing ourselves to face hard emotions and questions even during the good times.

There is a toxic mentality where we feel stuck in sin, whether it is our own sin, the sins of those around us, or just the brokenness of our world in general. We sink into depression, anxiety, comparison, anger, judgment, apathy, our own sinful habits, whatever it may be, and we won’t let ourselves get out. Maybe you feel like you can’t rejoice in the Lord’s goodness, in Jesus’ sacrifice, or in the blessings God is giving you because right now you’re dealing with an overwhelming struggle that you feel needs your full attention.

Another toxic mentality we get stuck in is the opposite of the last. We are seeing the goodness of God firsthand, we are blessed in obvious ways by the Lord’s hand, and even though there are extremely difficult things going on around us, we don’t deal with them because we don’t want to let go of our joy and focus on Christ. Maybe you think that facing your trauma, your issues, your sin, and the brokenness in your life just can’t happen as you praise the Lord and experience His blessing. You feel like you need to just stay positive and focus on the good things and not address the bad things.

Both of these mindsets are unhealthy. God reveals Himself to us in the good and the bad and we are meant to focus on Him and seek Him no matter what, but we are also supposed to face reality and walk in truth. Sometimes that means trudging through really hard things, things that make it much more difficult to worship the Lord and rejoice in His character. But these things are meant to build up our faith and increase our trust in the Lord, and we can still rejoice in the Lord even during those times.

What if you allowed the light to start breaking through your darkness? What if you could praise God and feel joy in your heart even as you deal with your sin and brokenness? What if you started stepping toward the grey space instead of staying only in the extremes?

Following God should push us to be well-balanced and healthy individuals. This means doing hard things and experiencing emotions and hurt, but it also means knowing that we always have hope and joy and freedom even in that. It means we don’t get stuck in toxic negativity and sadness, but we also don’t get stuck in toxic positivity and denial of brokenness. This is the space I find myself in right now.

When people ask me how I am, I am tempted to answer dishonestly or not answer at all. If I say I am doing well does that discount the hard things going on in my life? If I say I am not doing well does that discount the blessings and joy in my life? I know a woman who always has the same answer when asked how she is doing. “I am blessed.” What a beautiful response.

No matter the good or the bad going on in our lives, we are blessed. Whether we are happy or sad, angry or calm, confused or at peace; we are blessed. To me, that perfectly sums up the grey space I want to live in. A space where there is room to work through trauma, experience anger, struggle through depression and anxiety, and fight against sin while I also count my blessings, give praise to God, focus on the purpose and mission He has given me, and feel thankful for His grace in my life.

I am not saying I want to go through hard things and deal with brokenness, because I definitely don’t. What I am saying is that we should give ourselves room to face whatever life throws at us when it comes and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to function without pain and struggle in a world marred by sin. We can fully know and believe in the truth of the gospel while also still struggling with life.

(THIS IS THE GOSPEL: The truth that we as humans are all sinners who need a Savior because we can’t earn forgiveness or redemption on our own. So, God sent His only son, Jesus, to earth as a helpless baby and Jesus lived a sinless life, died for our sake, and bore the wrath of God that we deserved. He defeated death and sin when He rose on the third day so that we could be reconciled to God, forgiven of our sins, and receive eternal life).

I think that sometimes in Christian culture the “toxic positivity” extreme is preached. We think we are less holy when we grieve or hurt or get angry, or we judge others who seem to be struggling and hurting. We lose sight of the fact that Jesus was fully human while He lived on earth, that He too experienced grief, pain, and even anger. Yet Jesus never sinned, and He was always faithful to God and trusted His Father.

The other extreme, “toxic negativity,” is more popularly embraced in secular culture. The idea is that you are allowed to not just feel emotions and go through struggles, but you can even take them on as an identity. That depression or anxiety is a personality trait, or your anger is just part of who you are. Our culture would even have us embrace our sin, disguising it as “self-love” and “acceptance.” But we are not meant to embrace our sin or our trauma as a part of who we are, we are given a new identity in Christ.

So this “grey space” I am talking about, doesn’t function outside of walking in the light and following the Word of God as Christians, it’s simply referring to not feeling like we have to be one-dimensional people who only have good days or bad days. It means that we can wake up thanking the Lord for His new mercies and on that same day, even in the next moment, we may also experience sadness over a loss or a disappointment we are going through. Going through hurt or disappointment, or whatever it may be, does not discount our ability to be faithful to the Lord and to fully trust Him.

This is a concept I am trying to preach to myself recently and I hope it is coming across clearly. Do you ever feel like you are living in an extreme? Maybe you feel guilty if you start to deal with pain or trauma or disappointment in your life. Maybe you feel like you can’t even let go of your pain, trauma, or disappointment for a moment because it’s been so long since you acknowledged the good in life. Whichever circumstance you relate to, the positivity extreme or the negativity extreme, I would encourage you to seek balance in your life. Seek to walk away from the extreme and inch toward the middle, the grey space.

This doesn’t mean you let go of your joy in the Lord, your thankfulness for His faithfulness, or that you take your eyes off of Him. You should still stand firm in your beliefs and walk in the plans the Lord has for you. You should still glorify the Lord and worship Him with your obedience and gladness.

It also doesn’t mean you can’t have hard moments or days where you struggle more with having to address sin or past hurt, or that you can’t keep working through trauma. You will probably experience sadness, anger, hurt, or confusion at times. You will probably have times where you will lament and cry out to the Lord in your pain.

The point is this, give yourself permission to acknowledge the amazing grace of God while also acknowledging the horrible brokenness in our world. Give yourself permission to be a complex individual with complex emotions and experiences, good and bad all intertwined into one story. You are allowed to cry and laugh within moments of each other. In the same prayer, you are allowed to praise the Lord for breakthrough and express the disappointment you feel in a different area of your life. You can and will experience blessing and pain all on the same day.

One day, we will live in an extreme that is not attainable right now. We will be with the Lord and everything will be made right. There will be no more pain or suffering or tears. One day, this “grey space” that exists on earth will be gone forever. I can’t even wait for that day, but it’s not here yet.

I know that this post may seem confusing in some ways, I am a bit confused myself. As I said before, life is complex and we as individuals are complex. I hope that someone could relate to this feeling I am having and that this post was helpful to you. I am trying to learn how to practice all of this myself and I am inviting you into this journey with me.

I hope and pray that we can learn to embrace whatever is thrown at us, whether that means gathering with people to praise the Lord for His character or gathering with people to mourn a loss and seek support. I hope we will allow ourselves to see clearly the good and the bad in our lives and we will address those things accordingly. I pray that we will never lose sight of God and His amazing grace and that we will also allow ourselves to work through and process the hard things going on in our lives. I hope that we can learn to respond to the question, “how are you?” with a simple, “I am blessed.” Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Waiting, Singleness, and an Oblivious Boy

There have been several times in my life when I was in a season of waiting; times when God asked me to trust Him and to be content with not having whatever it may have been that I desired. God has shown me how to have patience through those times of waiting, though I still have a lot to learn. Whenever God has asked me to wait, it was always for a purpose, and He always had a plan. Even so, waiting is always a challenge, especially when we can’t see the bigger picture.

One of the most prominent times I remember having to wait was when I was a sophomore in college and I had just met Dillon, who I am married to now. My story with Dillon is certainly one about waiting, learning patience, and trusting God.

I went to Northern Kentucky University (NKU), and I was very involved in the Baptist Campus Ministry (BCM). Dillon got involved in the BCM as soon as he started going to NKU and that is where he and I met.

I started having an interest in Dillon very soon after meeting him. I thought he was really cute, he seemed super nice and funny, and I knew he loved the Lord. The more I got to know Dillon, the more I realized how many things we had in common and how so many of our interests were the same.

We saw each other just about every day on campus and at the BCM and we became friends. I knew I liked Dillon after just a couple months of knowing him, but I remember the night it became so much bigger for me.

Dillon and I were hanging out with some friends in the BCM, and we all decided to go around and share our testimonies of how we came to know Jesus. I got to learn more about Dillon and hear him talking about God and deciding to follow Him, and my heart just melted.

I remember Dillon sharing a story about his parents when they were faced with a big and unexpected decision. Dillon and his dad, Larry, went on a mission trip to Honduras and worked with an orphanage there. While they were there, God told Larry that one of the girls in the orphanage was supposed to be his daughter. Larry and his wife, Heather, hadn’t really had adoption on their radar, then God put it on Larry’s heart unexpectedly. He called Heather and she just said she trusted him, and he should do whatever God was asking him to do.

After sharing that part, Dillon said, “When my mom responded that way, it just showed me the kind of woman I want to be my wife one day.” When he said that, it was over for me! In my mind, he might as well have knelt down and proposed, because he was the type of man I wanted to be my husband: a man whose number one desire in a wife was that she trusted and followed the Lord always.

When Dillon shared his testimony, I got to hear his heart for Jesus, how he turned from sin, how he was obedient to God, the kind of family he had, and the kind of family he wanted to build one day—and from there I stopped fighting the feelings I had for him. I knew that I really liked him and so I started praying really intentionally about it every day.

After that night, I told a couple of my close friends who hung out with me and Dillon a lot that I liked someone, even though I was scared to tell them who it was. They told me that they knew who I was talking about without me having to say it, which makes sense because I was crazy about him and it was pretty obvious.

I also told my family about Dillon, and my brothers were super excited because they went to the BCM with Dillon and thought he was awesome. I always say Dillon and my brothers fell in love first.

From there I was super intentional about getting to know Dillon a lot better and sharing a lot about myself with him. I decided that if Dillon was ever going to date me, I wanted him to know me genuinely. He knew my baggage, he knew my flaws, he saw my weird and crazy personality—I was determined to be transparent. The last thing I wanted was to start dating him and then have him change his mind after getting to know the real me.

The other thing that I knew was that I didn’t want to pursue him, I wanted him to pursue me. If I were to do all this work pursuing him and we started dating, I always would have wondered if he would have liked me enough to pursue me himself. So, instead of doing what I would have liked to do; which would have been trying to control the situation, telling him about my feelings, and making this thing happen—I waited. That was something God put on my heart from the very start. I knew that I was supposed to be patient and trust that if I was supposed to be with Dillon God would make it happen. But it was so hard to sit back and wait.

Dillon and I got to spend tons of time together in groups and doing ministry with the BCM. My feelings became stronger and stronger and my desire to start dating Dillon was at the forefront of my mind. Unfortunately, that was probably the last thing on Dillon’s mind…

I remember getting so frustrated by my second semester of sophomore year because Dillon was so oblivious to the fact that I had feelings for him. We were together all the time and were close friends, but it was just not on his radar. I would get so impatient sometimes and think about telling him how I felt, but I always felt like God told me to slow down and let Dillon catch up.

I had so many nights of praying earnestly about if Dillon and I were supposed to date, asking God to either take away the feelings or make them stronger, and to give me peace about it if it was right and take the peace away if it wasn’t. The feelings kept getting stronger and the peace stayed, so I figured it was right, even though I still wasn’t sure if or when we would date.

That season of waiting and singleness was so, so hard—and yet, that was one of the sweetest times in my life. I remember growing closer to God than ever before. He broke me down to a point of knowing that He alone was enough, regardless if I would ever date Dillon or not, I always had God and He showed me that should be enough for me. I had an intimacy with God that was so strong and looking back I know that was part of the reason God asked me to wait.

Even though I wanted to date Dillon ASAP, God knew I needed to wait. That time in my life was the most chaotic time I can remember. Going into my sophomore year, it was August 2017, less than a month after telling my family that my dad abused me. Dillon and I met that August and if God had allowed me to start dating him around that time, there is no way I would have been ready.

My whole heart was exposed and vulnerable at that time, my whole life was upside down, and my PTSD was at an all-time high. Imagine dating someone for the first time right when all of that is happening! I was so overwhelmed with all of the things going on at that time. I am so glad that God put the brakes on any type of romantic relationship happening right then and there.

Even though I knew my life was crazy and it was a lot to deal with, I just wanted to date Dillon so bad! I saw all of my older siblings in their relationships, either married or dating, and I wanted that too. I had a hard time being single when I was always around couples. I felt lonely at times, even with my big family and all of my friends. I could easily rehearse the truth that God was enough and He had a purpose for me in my singleness, but truly accepting that and practicing it was another story.

Every day my feelings for Dillon got stronger, and he and I became closer. I wanted to avoid seeing him because I didn’t want to like him anymore, but I liked him too much to not see him… it was quite a dilemma for me, and in the end, I just gave in to the feelings. By the end of my sophomore year, Dillon was one of my best friends and everyone in the BCM knew that I liked him—BESIDES DILLON. That boy was more oblivious than anyone I have ever met!

That summer, Dillon went back home to Ashland, Kentucky and I only got to see him a few times. We texted every day that summer, and Dillon was not the type to text. I knew that he had to have some feelings for me because there was just no way he would be texting me that much if not. So, I was feeling good. Every day I continued to pray about the possibility of dating Dillon and I kept growing in closeness to God.

One of the times I saw Dillon that summer was when he had a few friends over to his home in Ashland. I just got my license a couple months before this and I had barely driven, especially not long distances. I knew Ashland was a 2 and ½ hour drive, but I was determined. My mom didn’t want me to go, but I put up a fight and convinced her to let me.

The closer the trip got, the more people dropped out. By the time we were supposed to go, there were just 2 other friends that went. I made sure that this trip was still on because it was super important to me that I would be able to see Dillon and also get to see his hometown and his family. When I got to Dillon’s house, I went inside and met his siblings and his parents. I could tell that they all knew I liked him just by looking at me, but I didn’t mind. His whole family was so nice and that just got me even more sold on the idea of dating him.

Before I left, Dillon’s mom and I talked for probably an hour or two. She was so easy to talk to and I got along with her so well. She tried to convince me to go have Sunday dinner with their family and the grandparents, but I resisted. When I was leaving, she had Dillon walk me to my car. She was quite the wing-woman!

When I said goodbye, Dillon and I hugged. That was one of the first times we hugged. Dillon was not the physically affectionate type, so I always tried to respect that and when I hugged everyone else in our friend group, I didn’t hug Dillon. That was my way of showing him that I respected him and cared about him being comfortable around me. So, when he hugged me after the Ashland visit, it meant a lot to me.

When we came back to school that fall, the dynamic between me and Dillon changed a lot. It was obvious that we both had feelings for each other, and we really loved spending time together. But it didn’t really seem like Dillon had any intentions of asking me out or telling me he had feelings. I continued to pray through that relationship and had to keep working through my frustrations and impatience.

In September, the BCM went on a trip called Converge. It was a weekend where BCMs from different Kentucky college campuses came together and had a lot of fun and a lot of time with Jesus together. Converge was where personal growth in your faith would happen and where personal relationships within your community would strengthen. I usually got a word from God on those trips and came back feeling refreshed with new clarity.

On that particular Converge, God basically told me to chill out. I felt like God was saying to slow down, stop waiting for Dillon to ask me out, and just focus on Him. It was another moment where God pressed on my heart and asked, “If all you had was me, would it be enough?” That question kind of broke me down and made me realize that I needed to surrender my desires to God and just enjoy everything else He was doing in my life.

Coming back from Converge I felt really encouraged and full of peace. I felt blessed to be single and to be in the stage of life I was in. I knew how strong my feelings were for Dillon, but I also knew that my relationship with God was all I needed. I didn’t know if this word meant that I would never date Dillon, if maybe it would be another year before we dated, or if God just wanted me to be more aware of my own heart.

What I didn’t know is that Dillon also got a word from God that weekend. In Dillon’s own words, God told him to, “Man up and ask her out!” I always think it is hilarious that God had to check each of our hearts in such different ways.

For me, it was all about learning to put God first and love Him with my whole heart. I had to surrender my own desire to have other things and jump into a relationship and just trust that God was sufficient. For Dillon, it was about letting go of the fear of being in a relationship and possibly getting hurt. Dillon wanted to be single and didn’t want anything else, but God wanted to give him something and wanted Dillon to step forward in obedience and faith.

That following week after Converge was quite a whirlwind of emotions and chaos. My brother Josh told me that Dillon was about to ask my mom for permission to date me, and then the panic set in. I was so confused because just a few days ago God had told me to chill out and challenged me to believe that He alone was enough—and suddenly Dillon was eager to start dating me? I was like, oh my gosh…I’ve been waiting to date this boy for a year and he’s going to ask me out and I am going to have to say no!

That week I prayed through so many things, talked through so many things, and felt like I had an answer. Basically, God was preparing my heart before I went into this relationship and helping me to solidify my satisfaction with Him above anything else. God gave me the green light for this relationship on one condition: that I wouldn’t ever let it become an idol and that God would come first in my life. So, I committed to putting God first and I was ready to see what happened.

Dillon and I had a conversation a couple days later where he FINALLY told me he had feelings for me and wanted to date me. I walked away from that conversation feeling like it was the best day ever! I couldn’t stop smiling and I just felt so excited about what was in store from there. That weekend, Dillon asked my mom if he could date me, and we officially started dating.

It honestly didn’t even feel real at first. I had waited so long to date this guy and I wasn’t sure if it was ever going to happen. The day after we started dating, we had a long conversation about all of our boundaries, expectations, and our possible baggage from the past. I could tell from that conversation that this relationship was going to be really special.

I was so thankful that I had been so prayerful through the entire process and that I listened to God when He told me to wait, to be patient, and to let Dillon pursue me. I had grown so much by the time that we started dating, not only from the process of waiting for Dillon but also in general from everything else going on in my life.

I had worked through so many of my own issues and trauma, and that prepared me to be a much better girlfriend to Dillon. We still had to work through a lot of that throughout our relationship, but I can only imagine what it would have been like if I hadn’t been forced to wait for a year. God was so intentional and so purposeful throughout the whole process of my friendship with Dillon, looking back I see God’s hand in so much of our relationship.

I had so much time to grow in my relationship with God during that year of waiting. My intimacy with Him and my faith were strengthened in a way I never could have imagined. Coming to the knowledge of the sweetness of the Lord and being close to Him was by far the best lesson I learned in the waiting.

If you are in a season of waiting, I would challenge you to not just wait without purpose. God wants to do something in you as you wait; God wants to grow, refine, and sanctify you as you wait. Sometimes, the thing we are waiting for isn’t the actual purpose of the waiting. Sometimes, the journey of surrendering our desires to God and trusting that He will give us all we need in the waiting—that is the true reward. The reward is the way our faith is built up and the way our connection with God and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit becomes stronger.

Whether you are single and waiting for a partner, married and waiting to get pregnant, or whatever else you might be waiting for in the season you are in, allow God to do something in the waiting. Be willing to submit your deepest desires to the Lord and He will give you everything you need, He may even change your desires along the way.

I hope you enjoyed reading about the first part of Dillon and I’s story and one of my biggest seasons of waiting. After Dillon and I started dating, there was so much more that God did. He was so good and so present in our dating relationship—and that is a story I will tell soon. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Expectations vs. Expectancy: Letting Go of Control

In my life, things have rarely ever gone how I expected them to. I always love to make plans and try to foresee how things might turn out, but in the end, I can really only guess. It is okay to make plans and try to be prepared for whatever may come, but I think we have to be very careful how tightly we hold onto our plans and our expectations.

Over the last 4 or 5 years, I have really seen how little control I have over anything, and how my life really isn’t even in my own hands. Whether it was an issue in my family, at school, at work, or whatever it may have been—I started to see that stuff happened that I was not ready for and certainly wouldn’t have chosen.

While I have been working on letting go of expectations over the last couple of years, God has put it on my heart to remain expectant. I know that might sound a little confusing, so let me explain. When I was in situations that were less than ideal and wanted so badly for things to change, God showed me that I needed to let go of what I wanted or expected to happen and start being expectant for Him to move however He chose to. For me, expectations usually entail expecting something to happen in a certain way, expectancy is just knowing that God is going to move, whatever that ends up looking like.

So instead of creating endless scenarios of how something might turn out for the good or for the bad, I can just place it all in God’s hands and say, “I don’t know what will happen, but I know that you are in control and that you are going to move.”

This way of thinking, though by no means have I perfected it, eliminates so much potential anxiety in me. I used to ask so many “what if” questions until I was spiraling out of control and feeling crushed over things that didn’t even end up happening.

I would expect something to go horribly, but instead, it would turn out fine. I would expect something to go smoothly, but instead, it was a mess. In the first scenario, I had spent all this time worrying about and feeling sad about something that actually ended well. In the second scenario, I set myself up to feel disappointed and frustrated. When I stopped allowing myself to dwell on the details of a future situation, and instead decided to just pray about it and trust that God would take care of it—so much of my anxiety and emotional distress dissipated.

As I said, this is definitely not something that I am perfect at doing, but it is something I have been working on for a couple years now and I have seen so much growth. The peace of just knowing that God is in control and expecting Him to do what He does—that has changed my life.

Realizing that not only do I have zero control over so many things but that God has 100% control over everything, that is a game-changer. As someone who wants to control everything, that first realization is a hard one. It is something I have to keep realizing every day and that I am learning to lean into. Having zero control over the way things turn out is something that can feel so scary and maddening. But when we realize that our lack of control means that God has total control, that makes up for everything. Because what better, more capable hands could there be?

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says this, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’”

Instead of panicking about how little control I have in a situation, I can instead find comfort in knowing that God has good plans for me and that whatever happens will be for His glory and my good. He promises that His plans are meant to give us hope and a future, that they are meant to prosper us and not to harm us. After this, He says that when we go to Him in prayer He listens to us, that when we seek Him with all our hearts, we will find Him. Wow. There are so many good promises in that passage!

These words so clearly show that we have absolutely nothing to worry about. We may not know the details of God’s plans for us, but we can be confident in the fact that He has it all figured out for us. Praise the Lord for that, because if I could plan out my whole life on my own, I would end up messing it up! If things always went the way I had hoped or wanted, you can be sure that it wouldn’t have been for my good and I would have been harmed. I am so thankful that we are known so intricately and deeply by God that He knows what’s best for us far better than we do.

Another verse that I’d love to share on this subject is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

I love that passage so much, and I think it just so clearly states how we are supposed to sort through our lives in general and specifically our expectations. The most important part is that we are supposed to trust the Lord. We hear it said so often and see it repeated in God’s Word and many other books over and over, but that is because it needs to be drilled into our heads.

Trusting in the Lord is a simple concept but an extremely difficult thing to enforce in our everyday lives. It requires constantly re-evaluating our thought patterns and re-surrendering to Him. It takes committing to lay down our reflexive need to worry, wonder, and question and choosing instead to calm our minds enough to just say, “I trust you Lord, and I know that you are working this out for me.”

The next part of the verse says that we should not lean on our own understanding, which again, is extremely difficult. We tend to search our minds for all the answers and with our limited understanding, we then make wrong assumptions, come to wrong conclusions, and formulate wrong expectations—because we know very little. When we lean on our own understanding, we make fools of ourselves.

The next part of the verse says we should submit to the Lord in all our ways, and He will make our paths straight. Again, this verse is coming at us with simple concepts that are actually extremely difficult to apply in our daily lives. Submission can be so hard, especially because it is the very opposite of what our sinful flesh would like to do. Not only are we called to submit to the Lord, but we are also called to submit to Him in ALL our ways. Not just sometimes, not just most of the time, not just in certain areas of our lives—we are to submit to Him all the time and in every area of our lives, including in our expectations.

If we combine all these things—we trust the Lord, we do not lean on our understanding, and we submit to Him in every way—our lives would completely change. If we apply all of these things to our expectations, our capacity for peace would grow abundantly.

Instead of expecting something to go one way because we think that way is best, we can trust that God has the best for us. Instead of searching our own understanding to create expectations, we can instead go to the Word of God and go to Him in prayer and create our expectations from the truth. Instead of fighting for control and needing things to meet our expectations, we can surrender our need for control and submit to the Lord, knowing that even if He doesn’t do what we expect, He will do what is best and make our paths straight.  

These truths have literally changed my life. It is so, so easy for me to slip back into this pattern of expecting a certain thing and then falling back into fear and worry based on those unrealistic expectations. It is my tendency to desperately grasp for control and try to know how things will turn out. But I am learning to see when I am slipping back into these patterns and notice when I am grasping for control again.

When I notice myself doing these things, I have to remember to place everything back into God’s hands. Obviously, everything is already in His hands, and even if I don’t acknowledge that, it remains true. But when I choose to recognize that God is in control, and I don’t need to keep grasping for control—that brings so much peace. When I choose to acknowledge His sovereignty and His good plans for me, then I can let go of my anxiety.

So, what are you expecting? Have you been creating endless scenarios in your head of the way something should or could go? Are you inviting God into your expectations? Are you trusting the Lord with the outcome? Are you having an expectancy that God will move however He sees fit?

We have to ask ourselves these questions. If you are willing to deconstruct your bad habits when it comes to expectations, it could truly change a lot for you. If you begin to release your expectations and instead trust that God will show up however He needs to, you will start to see your anxieties leave and your peace increase. God has good plans for you, and He may not always do what you want Him to, but He will always do what He needs to.

This is something that God has been teaching me and I really hope that it can benefit you as well. I hope that you and I can be in this learning process together, figuring out what it looks like to let go of expectations and instead cling to an expectancy for God to move. I hope that we can be confident in every situation that God is in control and that He is going to make our paths straight as we choose to submit to Him. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤


Rejoicing in Truth

When I shared my testimony at the beginning of this blog, I mentioned that I would later write the story of how God forced me to tell my family that my dad had been abusing me. Well, this is that story. There are so many factors in this story and when I look back over my life, I realize that God was orchestrating everything that happened.

So, going into college, I was 16 years old, and I had still never told anyone about the abuse. I was so young and still so unsure of where my life was going. When I started college, my life became much busier and more exciting. I was working part-time and going to college full time and that gave me the opportunity to get out of the house more and be away from my dad.

In my freshman year, I started to like this guy that I believed was a strong Christian. This was a messy situation, and I will just share a very short version of it. By second semester, me and this guy had a relationship that was very secretive and came with a lot of shame, he was not following Jesus, and he took advantage of me. At the time, I didn’t fully know or want to accept that he took advantage of me. The things he did wouldn’t seem like a big deal to a lot of people, and they didn’t seem like a big deal to me at first. But the whole time this weird, secret, twisted relationship was happening, I felt gross. Gross in a way that felt familiar—gross how my dad made me feel gross.

It was a short period of time when this guy played with my emotions and then basically decided he was bored. But afterward, I felt so broken. More broken than made sense with what happened. I was confused why I was so hurt and so messed up after that happened. So, the semester ended, and summer came.

That summer, I was not myself. I fell into a deep, dark depression. I felt used and dirty and worthless. I remember knowing that all of this hurt and brokenness wasn’t just about this guy, but it was easier to act like it was than it was to accept what was really going on.

For the first time in my life, I started to have flashbacks of my dad abusing me. I was thinking about it all the time, I had nightmares about it, and I was having panic attacks. I used to be able to compartmentalize all the trauma and tuck it into the back of my brain, but suddenly it was showing up uninvited and at the most inconvenient times.

When I tried to read my Bible, it was as if there was something physically stopping me from doing it. I was utterly and completely disconnected from God, further away from Him than I had ever felt. His presence was not palpable anymore and I desperately needed it.

Because I was in so much pain and my usual source of comfort and hope felt far away, I tried to distract myself with whatever I could. I spent a lot of time with friends and at work to avoid being at home with my dad. When I did come home, I usually went straight to my bedroom and locked the door. I wanted to hide from all the things I was feeling. I wanted to sleep so I could be numb.

I knew something was off, but I was running away from it as fast as I could. I was thinking more and more about the abuse that happened and starting to realize that those were real memories, not something that happened to someone else—that happened to me.

As I was grappling with this, I had some people that were very close to me that were also grappling with similar things. One of my best friends at the time opened up to me about something that was done to her when she was younger. I remember mentioning to her that I thought something like that had happened to me, but I wouldn’t open up any more than that and we dropped that discussion.

I had another close friend who I talked to all the time about how I was really feeling distant from God and that I was depressed. I told him that everything in my life was about to change and that I knew it was coming, but I wouldn’t tell him why. I could feel that I was about to burst. He knew that I was in a lot of pain, he just wasn’t sure why.

Even though I didn’t open up to either one of them at the time, those two friends were definitely placed in my life by God to help me open up later on.

Then, one day when I was spending time with a cousin of mine, the topic of sexual abuse came up again. She and I went to a coffee shop we enjoyed spending time at, and we met up with a friend of hers. This friend worked with people who had been sexually abused or assaulted and he shared a lot of insight into what sexual abuse is and how it can impact people.

I remember listening to him and just thinking—oh my gosh that happened to me. We sat there for what felt like forever and I felt this weight in my stomach like I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I looked at my cousin and told her we had to leave. It was abrupt and maybe even a little rude, which wasn’t like me, so she knew something was up.

As we walked to her car, I knew that either this was the moment where I was going to finally tell someone about the abuse or that I was never going to tell anyone. When we got into the car, I didn’t stop myself from blurting out, “I need to tell you something,” and once those words left my lips, I knew I wasn’t turning back.

That car ride was one of the most unreal moments of my life. It was an out-of-body experience where I felt like I was watching myself tell my cousin these things I never thought I would speak of. I knew when I said goodbye to her and got out of that car that my life was completely changed, I just didn’t understand what that meant.

I made her promise to never tell anyone and thank the Lord she was not able to keep that promise. Sometime later, she told my aunt what I told her and one day I got a text from my aunt. It was a picture of a handwritten letter telling me she knew what happened and that it was time for me to tell my family. She gave me an ultimatum: you talk to your mom, or I will. I chose to talk to my mom that next day.

From there, honestly, it felt like my whole life imploded, but at the same time—there was this overwhelming weight brought off my shoulders and freedom that I had never experienced before. There is so much more to the story after I finally told my family about the abuse—but I’m sure I have shared and can share more in my other posts about that.

I know it is so easy to question why we go through the things we do, like why I was abused in the first place. But when I look back at God’s sovereignty in forcing me to talk about it and not allowing me to continue to live in shame and darkness—I just can’t help but rejoice! I’ve discussed this before, but I just need to say again that when people do terrible things it has everything to do with their sinfulness and nothing to do with God’s goodness. I wish that my dad’s sinfulness didn’t lead him into such terrible darkness, but I am also so grateful that God didn’t let the story end there!

Even though I was abused, God has used my pain and brokenness for a purpose. He took me out of the darkness and secrecy I was in and brought me into His marvelous light. I have a wonderful husband and a family who loves and supports me, an amazing church community, and so many loving friends in my life who encourage me. Ever since the day I opened up about the abuse, I have not gone through any of the pain from it alone. Through all of the panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, questioning, and hurting—there were so many people to help, comfort, and encourage me. I am just so thankful that God revealed the truth in my life.

The experience I went through with that guy freshman year of college, the friends God placed in my life that summer and all the conversations we had, the extreme depression and the timing of all those nightmares and flashbacks, that conversation with my cousin and her friend at the coffee shop, and lastly, the fact that my cousin told my aunt and my aunt gave me an ultimatum—all these things had to happen for me to open up about the abuse and then also tell my family. You cannot tell me that those things didn’t happen on purpose and for a purpose!

I know that God fought for me to experience freedom and healing from this abuse, even though I never thought that was possible when I was in the midst of the abuse. I truly thought I was never going to tell anyone. I had pressure from my dad to stay quiet so that “I wouldn’t ruin our family or our church” and so I believed it was best for them if I stayed quiet. I was so afraid of everything that would happen if people knew. I felt like it was my burden to bear.

I specifically remember thinking of the Bible talking about bearing your cross or taking up your cross and misinterpreting it. I thought that it meant I was supposed to carry the secret that my dad was abusing me. That verse is referring to dying to your own desires and sins and following Christ. That verse is not referring to denying your right to be free from abuse and to hold others accountable.

It is so extremely important for us as Christians and for the church to make sure we are interpreting scripture correctly and that it is being taught accurately and clearly. As a kid, I wasn’t taught the intricacies of some very important verses and that really impacted the way I navigated going through abuse.

For instance, Ephesians 6:1-3 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”

When this passage talks about obeying and honoring your father, I thought that meant doing whatever he said and always being obedient. I even thought I was meant to take the abuse and not fight against it.

The verse specifically says, “obey your parents in the Lord,” which is a key part of it. We are meant to honor our parents and yes to be respectful and obedient—but that is under the assumption that they are also being obedient to the Lord. God would never ask us to follow someone leading us against His will and His word.

Our default should always be to follow God. If anyone is asking you to do something that God is clearly against, don’t do it. Or if anyone is treating you in a way that God does not condone—you are not meant to just take it. It is okay to stand up for yourself and to stand up for what is good and true, even if that means calling out or fighting against someone who is normally in authority over you.

I am thankful that my life has changed so much in the last five years and that I am able to share this story with you. I am also thankful that I can bring attention to the importance of accurate Biblical interpretations and making sure we are teaching our children accurately as well. Satan can twist and distort good things into bad things, even God’s Word, and we have to be vigilant to make sure we read it carefully.

I am so happy that little girl who was so hurt and confused has grown into a woman who can now confidently rejoice in truth. I hope through this story you have seen that God moves in our lives, that He cares about us, and that He desires freedom and healing for us. I hope that you are more aware of the fact that the people around you, at work, at church, sometimes even at home could be going through some really tough things, and that this inspires you to have compassion and a tender heart. I also hope that this inspires you personally and us as the church to be very careful about the way we teach and read scripture, in our church community and at home with our families. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Loss


The empty leather recliner

or the head of the kitchen table—another empty chair.


Mom makes food, but we have extras.

When together my family asks, “is this everyone?”


On graduation day, I get a look of pride from my mom,

but it feels strange that you can’t even celebrate this with me.


When I get married, I have to decide if my father-in-law

will give me away to his own son, or if I will ask mom to do it.


It would have been simpler to go to your funeral,

Instead of trying to bury you alive.


The Story Behind the Poem

This poem is clearly summed up in the title, “Loss.” When I wrote this, I was still grappling with the feeling of losing my dad. Growing up, I never pictured my dad not being a part of my life.  I always thought he would be present through all the big things, little things, and all the things in between. But that is not how things turned out.

The way that everything happened was very sudden. There was no time for me to adjust to the idea of my dad moving out and me having very little contact with him. Things were how they had always been, then the next day they were upside down.

This loss felt so complicated. My dad was such a huge part of my life, and even though our relationship was completely broken it was one I was used to. I didn’t quite know how to adjust to him not being in my life. It was a hard time for my whole family.

Loss does not solely come through death. In this case, the loss I experienced happened after I exposed my dad for abusing me. He was immediately forced out of our home, and we didn’t have contact for a few months, and after that point, I have hardly seen him.

Sometimes we lose people because relationships are toxic or abusive, sometimes it is because they are simply not healthy or helpful. I want to express that the loss of a relationship is a very hard experience even if that loss isn’t caused by death.

The imagery in the first stanza is from the places my dad always sat. There was a leather recliner he sat in every day in the family room and at dinner, he always sat at the head of the table. When I would catch a glimpse of those places and see them empty, it left me feeling sad and somewhat empty as well.

It was difficult to have the many memories of him filling those places in our home and then getting used to him no longer being there. After having the knowledge that my dad abused me for years, I know it might seem strange to read about me missing my dad or feeling sad he wasn’t there. My mind was not in a sound place at this time and the idea I had of my dad was not based on reality.

One of my many coping mechanisms was to separate my dad from the abuse. There was the part of him that made jokes, provided for our family, was a worship pastor, and had good qualities. Then there was the side of him that I didn’t want to accept—the abusive man who had many, many issues that seeped into even the “good” parts of him.

When he moved out, the part of him I missed was my dad, not my abuser. After time and space from my trauma, I know that we cannot separate people into categories and choose which parts we accept and reject. Every person is complex, there are good and bad parts to each person, but we have to take all of them or none of them. You cannot pick and choose who a person is to you, they are who they are.  

The second stanza talks about my mom making extra food and our family always feeling like someone was missing. There were little things that we probably all noticed but didn’t mention, and those were some of them. Like me, my entire family missed my dad and had to learn how to deal with him not being in their lives. There were times when our family didn’t feel complete without him, and that is okay.

In the third stanza, I talked about how my dad wasn’t going to be at my college graduation. I remember anticipating this because it was one of the first big events he would not be at, and it felt hard to imagine. I remember also struggling with the idea that I was going to date and marry someone someday who had never even met my dad. There were a lot of big things that happened that I never imagined my dad not being there for.

In the fourth stanza, I mention the struggle of deciding who would walk me down the aisle. It felt almost pitiful to think of asking my father-in-law to give me away to his own son, and it felt unfair to ask my mom to do it. It was a hard position to be put in.

I know now that my dad should not have been the one to walk me down the aisle in the first place. I am so glad that he did not have the privilege to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Every bit of space I have had from him was necessary and has allowed me to experience more freedom and healing. With hindsight, I am thankful that he was removed from my home at the moment he was and that he has pretty much been removed from my life.

I am grateful that now I have lived some of my life without abuse. From the time I was 4, I was abused. So now, having lived almost 5 years without my abuser in my life—that is something I never thought was possible, but I am so glad that God saw fit to make that my story.

In the very last stanza, I end with a very intense line, saying that it would have been simpler to go to my dad’s funeral instead of trying to bury him alive. I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive to people who have lost loved ones because I am only speaking about my own experience with my dad. Losing someone you love and have a healthy and good relationship with is very different than losing someone who abused you. And even though it might sound harsh, that is honestly how I felt and still feel to this day.

This poem is kind of a few of the puzzle pieces in my experience of mourning my relationship with my dad, it’s not the full picture. It was so hard for me to not see him anymore at first, but clearly, that was the best and healthiest thing for me. When someone dies, you no longer have the option of spending time with them and having a relationship. But in this case, he was living close by and going on with his life, which felt so strange. We tried to move forward in our lives without him in it, but we knew he was still alive and well and living in the area, which was a very complex situation.

The feelings of loss are still there even to this day, but I am glad that my dad does not have the privilege of being a part of the big, little, and in-between things. There will always be a part of me that longs for a dad who would be there for me and love me well, but I no longer seek that in him because he has proven he cannot be that for me.

I think sometimes it is easy to feel guilty when we miss someone who did horrible things or get sad when we think of all of the memories with them. But loss is not cut and dry, especially when the person you lost was someone you had a very complicated relationship with. I have learned to deal with the loss of my relationship with my dad. It is a hard process. I feel that I lost my dad the moment he chose to abuse me, it just took me a long time to recognize that.

When I wrote this poem, I had not yet graduated college or walked down the aisle at my wedding. Now after having done both of those things, I see that God really took care of me and spared me from having those memories tainted by my dad. When I wrote this poem, I still couldn’t imagine my life without my dad being present, and now I see that my life is so much fuller and freer and genuine without him in it.

There is life after loss—whether that loss is of a dear and loved person in your life or someone you had a broken relationship with. There is life after loss even if that loss is a result of death, divorce, or unexpected separation. It is hard to comprehend how life will go on without that person you thought would always be there, but life will go on, and maybe it will be a much better and happier life than you could have imagined.

It is okay to miss that person, to feel lonely or sad, to even feel emptiness at times. It is okay to remember them fondly or to have memories that are hard to cope with. We must let ourselves feel, but we must also let ourselves live our lives to the fullest. God has so much more for you than you are aware of. He is making new paths for you to walk down with new people.

I am so thankful for God’s grace to deliver me from having such a destructive relationship remain in my life. I would have lived my whole life in brokenness, shame, and secrets if I didn’t lose that relationship with my dad. Even the hardest things in our lives can turn out to be the biggest blessing from God and the greatest area of grace from Him.

I hope that whatever loss you are dealing with or have had to face is one that you have seen God move in. I hope that He has changed you and grown you through it. I hope that He has shown you a life with more love, joy, peace, healing, and freedom than you ever could have dreamt of. I hope that this post can encourage you and show you that even loss can be an area where God’s goodness shines through. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Struggling With Depression as a Christian

Though I didn’t always understand what it was, I have struggled with depression for a lot of my life. There are seasons of life where I feel like I am drowning in depression and there are seasons of life where I don’t feel like it is an issue. Especially in the past 5 years, my life has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows with months that were good and months that weren’t so good.

I have been opening up on this blog about things I have been through in the past and that is scary and hard, but what is even scarier and harder is sharing what I am currently going through. When I look back on something with hindsight, I see the ways God was working and moving and I see how I changed and grew from it. But when things are still actively unfolding, I don’t always see how God is moving and how I am growing.

Since I am going through this currently, my perspective could be informed by my feelings. I worked really hard on making sure I was careful and intentional in this post. It is also worth mentioning that everything I share in this is from my own experience and research and may not accurately depict other people’s experiences. So, as you read, keep all of that in mind.

I know I am supposed to be writing about my life and sharing with you the things that God has taught me. But even in the short time I have been doing this, I have struggled to be consistent and at times, I struggle to even want to write. This is partly because I have been struggling with depression over the last few months, and I feel very ill-equipped to be trying to help or encourage others.

As I have been thinking about this stuff over the last few weeks, I knew that God was asking me to be honest. I don’t want to act as if everything I have been through stays in the past and I am totally better now, I am deeply impacted every day by the things that have happened in my life.

This post may be a little bold and opinionated, possibly even a little controversial. When it comes to depression, people tend to have strong beliefs, but these are my beliefs and I feel that I should express them, even if I risk some discomfort for me or for my readers. Depression is a sensitive topic, so I wrote this as delicately as I could while still expressing my own views.

I think that Christians and the church as a whole can be critical of believers who struggle with depression. There has been more and more talk in churches and among Christians about mental health, and I do think that some progress is being made. I am thankful for people who are advocates and bring awareness to the reality of mental health struggles and how common they are. However, I believe there is still a long way to go for people in the church to feel safe to talk honestly about their struggles with mental health, whether that is depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD—whatever it might be.

I think that there needs to be more compassion and understanding amongst believers when depression is addressed instead of judgment, scolding, or condemnation. Living in this world is hard, and the people around you have probably gone through so many things that you know nothing about. When someone brings up struggling with depression, the last thing you should do is judge them or condemn them for that.

There are many types of depression, but I am just going to talk about a couple. One type is chemical depression, which is caused by having a chemical imbalance in your brain. Another type is circumstantial (or situational) depression, which happens as a result of the things going on in your life, like the death of a family member or something big that greatly impacts your wellbeing.

A notable factor in what can cause depression is family history, your genetics have a big impact on the likelihood of you experiencing depression. Another thing that will drastically increase your chances of experiencing depression is going through a traumatic event or experiencing abuse.

I believe that experiencing depression as a Christian is a very real thing, and whether you are chemically or circumstantially depressed, that doesn’t mean you are not following Jesus. We are called to fight the good fight against our flesh and the tendency to hyperfocus on our feelings and thoughts, however, we are still human. Jesus knows what it is like to experience extreme pain and sadness as a human, He knows what it is like to weep, and He knows what it is like to ask God if He can spare you from something that feels too hopeless and difficult. But Jesus chose to continue in obedience no matter how He felt, which we are called to do as well.

Just like anything else we struggle with, depression is something we should seek help and healing for, something we should talk to God about and ask Him for guidance on. I don’t believe that God wants any of His children to willfully go through depression and just lay down and take it. Of course, we should seek breakthroughs and change, but that is not always something that comes fast or is even guaranteed.

There is some dispute about whether or not depression is something you can control. Oftentimes, people experience depression because of things outside of their control. If you have a chemical imbalance, depression runs in your family, you have been through a traumatic event or abuse, all of those are things that you cannot change. Even circumstantial depression is often not your fault, a lot of the time the big events that trigger this type of depression are life events that have nothing to do with your own choices. There are times when someone’s own sin leads them into depression, but sometimes events that trigger depression are caused by things we cannot control.

Of course, God has complete power over everything, including depression, so He could certainly heal you from it and take it away completely, but He may not choose to do that. We can and should ask for healing and pray earnestly for it, but we ultimately must trust God to do what is best in His eyes, which might not mean that you will be healed or that depression won’t be a common struggle in your life.

In 2 Corinthians 12: 7, Paul talks about the thorn in his side that is there to remind him of his need for God and his dependence on Him. We do not know what he was referring to when he mentioned the thorn, but it is possible that in your life the thorn in your side is depression, if that is what is necessary for your growth and your ability to focus on and depend on God.

A lot of people are oblivious to how depression works. Depression isn’t a mood or just an emotion. Most if not all people do not choose depression, it is something they are forced to face. It is a deep and dark experience where reality, feelings, and thoughts become twisted. There are different levels to depression, sometimes it is more manageable and other times it is debilitating. There are many ways that depression affects your daily life, which complicates even simple things.

Common symptoms of depression are anxiety, apathy, hopelessness, loss of interest in or passion about things you normally enjoy, mood swings, sadness, irritability, lack of motivation, social isolation, trouble sleeping, fatigue, obsessive thoughts, or suicidal thoughts.

These symptoms vary in people who struggle with depression but one thing that is very common among people who experience it is that it can come out of nowhere. One day you will be feeling pretty good, and the next you will feel utterly hopeless. Sometimes you have the power to choose to do things even when you lack motivation or passion, other times you completely shut down to a point of not being able to function anymore.

The symptoms I experience most frequently are fatigue, anxiety, hopelessness, lack of motivation, sadness, and social isolation. The effects of depression can change a lot through different upswings and downswings. Sometimes I struggle more with extreme sadness and hopelessness, while other times I am just very fatigued and disconnected from the people and things in my life. Depression can affect people in very different ways, it doesn’t all look the same.

Depression can certainly be an attack by the enemy, sometimes it is 100% a battle of the Spirit. There are times when God helps us to move past the lies and the chains of depression instead of falling deeper into it, and there are times when we don’t allow God to help us. Even though depression can be 100% spiritual, it is not always 100% spiritual. As I have mentioned before, it can be caused simply by the chemical makeup of your brain, and sometimes it is caused by trauma that has greatly impacted the function of your brain and body. I would argue that not all depression is a spiritual battle.

My point here is this: depression is a complex monster that cannot be placed into a simple box. God doesn’t promise that we won’t experience pain and suffering if we follow Him. When we trust and follow God, He gives us strength and hope, but we still go through hard things and struggle in this world. He doesn’t offer a solution to all of our earthly problems because they are already temporary and will soon fade away, depression included.

I am not trying to say that depression is inevitable, and you shouldn’t put any effort into getting better—depression can be helped, healed, or treated so that it is manageable or even ended. There are so many ways that we can treat and manage depression and God has given us lots of tools to help us, and of course, we should use them to the best of our abilities.

Things like seeing a therapist, taking medicine, finding healthy coping mechanisms, having a community that supports and encourages you, exercising, and so many other things are given to us by God to help us. Even though it probably won’t just instantly end the depression in your life, reading God’s word and going to Him in prayer are the most powerful weapons against the lies of the enemy and the grip of depression.

Another point I would like to make is that even though depression is a legitimate and valid struggle—it is not a personality trait. Depression is not who you are, and it is not something that you should attach to your identity. Even though you are experiencing depression, or you have been struggling with depression—you are not it and you don’t own it. You are a child of God, full of life, joy, peace, and light. You are so much more than just depressed.

Even if you are dealing with depression or have been for years, there is so much more to you than that, and God has so much more planned for you than that struggle. Even when we are depressed and feeling hopeless, God is faithful to help us with all of our struggles and He helps us in our weakness. There is always hope and so much good that God has planned—don’t be disheartened.

I’m not 100% sure what I have been trying to express here, but I think I just want to keep this topic of conversation on the table among believers. Let’s be open to talking about the hard and uncomfortable things and be willing to help each other even when we don’t personally understand one another’s struggles.

When someone opens up about their own mental health struggles, don’t shut them down or invalidate them; listen to them, try to understand them, and have compassion for them. If you don’t know what it’s like to be depressed (well, first off good for you, what a blessing!), ask that person what their experience is and ask them how you can support them and pray for them. All this goes for any struggle someone comes to you with; listen, seek to understand, be compassionate, support them, and pray for them.

So, I have been struggling with depression. It is hard, it is exhausting, and it can be overwhelming at times. That is the truth, this is me being honest. But you know what else has been happening alongside this depression and brokenness? So much beauty and growth and good gifts from God. Just because I am struggling with depression, or just because you are struggling with it, doesn’t mean that we can’t also live our lives abundantly and do it for the Lord.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). We are made in God’s own image (Genesis 1:27). We have been set free from sin and made new in Christ (Romans 6:18, Romans 8:2)(2 Corinthians 5:17). We have the Holy Spirit living inside of us (1 Corinthians 3:16, 1 Corinthians 6:19). We are seen as holy and blameless, pure and clean (Colossians 1:22)(1 John 1:9,1 John 1:7, Hebrews 10:22). We are governed by the Spirit and not the flesh (Romans 8:9, 14). We cannot be separated from God’s love (Romans 8:38-39). These are just a few of the truths in God’s word and they are all still true for believers whether you are struggling with depression or not, whatever you are going through—God’s word remains, and He doesn’t change. We can have joy, hope, and purpose through Him.

For the believers who have gone through depression or are currently dealing with it, I hope this post is an encouragement to you and I pray that God will sustain you through this hard time. For the believers who have never experienced depression before, I praise God that you haven’t, and I pray that you don’t have to. I also hope that this post can shine a little light on what depression is like, help you to understand it better, and show you how you can handle talking with people who are dealing with it. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤