“Hurt”

I have never felt this angry at my dad in my life.


Not while he was abusing me.

Not when he chose to never tell anyone.

Not when he acted surprised that I was affected by the abuse.

Not when he acted frustrated with me because he feels the right to have a relationship with me, despite abusing me for 13 years.

I never felt so angry at him that I hated him, even though he earned that type of anger many, many times.


I think this anger started when I pressed charges and chose to face the reality of what my dad had done and what he is still capable of doing.

It started when he was arrested and he pled “not guilty” to all of the charges.

When he chose to declare to the world, “I did not do any of those things to my daughter, I am innocent.”

When he, yet again, chose to dodge all responsibility for his actions.

When he, yet again, chose to put himself first no matter what the cost was for me.


The anger reached its peak when I chose to stop letting him hurt me.

I realized that he and I don’t have a relationship anymore and he has no right to be in my life in any way.

I realized that his actions are not personal attacks toward me, and if they are well, forget him, I’d rather be mad than hurt.

So I’m not hurt anymore, I’m enraged by his actions.

I don’t know if that’s better or worse honestly, I’m just so tired of getting hurt by him.


And yet, this does hurt.

This amount of anger, it causes an aching in me.

This anger has seeped into my heart and told me I hate him now.

It has grown and grown into a monster that tells me forgiveness is too hard.

This anger causes me to clench my fists and wish I could hurt him.

It causes bitterness so strong that I can almost taste it.


I say to myself, “at least he’s not hurting me anymore.”

But I have never felt this angry at my dad in my life, and that hurts me.

This aching hurts me.

It hurts me that I hate him.

It hurts me that I am struggling so hard to forgive him.

It hurts me, thinking I want to hurt him.

It hurts me to taste this bitterness in my mouth.


I am done being hurt by him, and I am done being angry with him. 

But what else is there for me to feel?

I can be sad I suppose, but I never liked that much either.


The truth is, I can’t just shut off my feelings and say, “I’m done feeling this, I’ll never feel it again.”

That’s not how it works.


It doesn’t make me weak to be hurt. 

It makes me human, a human going through an insanely difficult time.

I’m allowed to be hurt, I’m allowed to be angry.

It’s okay that it’s hard for me to forgive him right now, I just can’t give up.

It’s okay that I am experiencing things that are not okay to accept—like hatred, and un-forgiveness, and violence, and bitterness.


This is what persevering looks like. 

It’s not pretty, it’s not perfect.

It’s not simple or easy.

Persevering like this looks messy and gross.

I’ve had nights where I sobbed as my husband held me.

I’ve had mornings where I could hardly get out of bed.

I’ve collapsed to the ground in grief, I’ve cried out and cursed while I talked to God.

I had panic attacks back to back that lasted for an hour.

I’ve pushed myself to the limits when I should have given myself a break.

I’ve sunken into depression that felt so dark that I would never see the light again.


I am deeply hurt. I am severely wounded.

I am so angry it causes my soul to ache.

I have experienced sadness so intense that my body shook as I cried out in hopelessness and desperation.


That is the truth of it all. 

I could say I’ve grown and changed so much that my dads actions can no longer affect me, but that is not the case.

I have grown and changed so much that I now give myself permission to be human and to be hurt. 

I have given myself permission to feel again.

I know there is healing for me, but I know there can only be healing through hurting.

So I choose to let myself feel the painful things, however difficult that journey may be.


I have never felt this angry at my dad in my life.

The Story Behind the Poem

I wrote this poem on November 12th, 2021 in the midst of court dates and the back and forth of pressing charges and trying to reach a plea deal or go to trial. I think this was around the time when my dad’s lawyer offered a bogus plea deal that would have allowed my dad to serve a couple of years and be charged with much lesser crimes than what he actually committed.

I was so tired of the back and forth and the anticipation of going to trial, and then I was offered a possible end to this nightmare. I almost took this deal because I was so sick of the anxiety and trauma, and my dad and his lawyer must have known that I was exhausted and ready to be done. When I realized this was probably part of the strategy of offering me a bum deal at this time, it made me furious. The level of selfishness of my dad was just hard to even fathom. 

I wanted to be able to be unaffected by my dad and his actions. I wanted to be able to let it roll off my shoulder. I wanted to not care about my dad and act like he could never hurt me again. But that wasn’t the truth. The truth was I was angry, but I was also hurt. 

A daughter should never be in a trial against her dad for any reason, let alone because he sexually abused her. And now he was using dirty tactics to try to get me to give up. This was one of the most infuriating and demeaning things. This man’s selfishness knew no bounds. I thought I was healed enough that I could just get mad and move on. But it still hurt, and that made me even angrier.

I guess this poem was my way of giving myself permission to feel whatever I needed to and not be upset with myself for being human. It also allowed me to write down some of the trauma of what I was going through and to remember how hard this stuff really was. I remember being so angry when I sat down to write and then realizing all of the underlying emotions I was feeling too. I remember being so annoyed at the realization that my dad was still hurting me. I remember feeling so hopeless about if I was ever going to be done with this wretched process and if I would ever get any justice. 

Looking back now, I am so grateful I decided to write. It is surreal to read some of the things I wrote during the hardest times of my life and to know that I kept going even when I felt like I couldn’t. And during times that feel hard now, these writings help me to keep going. 

How I Feel Today: My Dad’s Birthday

I read this poem last night and I related so much to many of the things I was feeling 4 years ago. I have not been as angry, but I have been feeling very sad this week. It’s been awhile since I felt the things I’ve been feeling. It is so crazy to me that there were stretches of my life where I felt this sad all the time. I don’t know how I used to do it, besides that Jesus carried me through.

I felt myself getting very antsy and restless these last couple of weeks. I was always trying to do something to keep myself busy and I didn’t want to sit still. I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted to be numb. I didn’t realize I was doing this, and then I just ran myself into the ground. I painted my house for 15 hours throughout one week and did lots of other things trying to stay busy. I ended up feeling worse because I was running away from my thoughts and feelings.

So this week, I sat with God and I prayed. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings, pages and pages of them. I sat and cried to God and let myself fall apart. I can’t say I immediately felt better. Honestly, I felt worse through some of it, but you can’t go around your emotions and problems, you have to go through them. 

I remembered this line in the poem, “I know there is healing for me, but I know there can only be healing through hurting. So I choose to let myself feel the painful things, however difficult that journey may be.” I am proud of myself for continuing on that hard journey even today. 

I wondered why these feelings have been so strong and maybe it’s not entirely for this reason, but today is my dad’s birthday. I realized a couple of days ago and things started making a little more sense. I tend to struggle on anniversaries of dates that have to do with my dad. It used to be that I could count on every single one of these dates being hard. Now it doesn’t always happen, but sometimes it does.

So I’ve been thinking about my dad more this week after barely thinking about him for a while now. It’s like I have to remember all over again what he did and how it changed me forever. I remember that I am a survivor of abuse. I remember that my dad is in prison. And I feel a hole in my life.

I’ve noticed this year especially, there have been times when I just feel a lack in my life because I don’t have a good father. I have the best Father in the world, God, and yet I still feel emptiness at times where I should have a good earthly father too. Having God as my Father is what has held me together as long as I can remember, but just because I have Him, doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with difficult things in life, like not having a good dad. 

When I see the men in my life being good fathers to their kids, it is so beautiful and wonderful, but I have to fight the urge to feel envious and sad. When I hear stories from people about their dads and I see the amazing relationship they have, I have to fight the envy and sadness then too. Thankfully, I have reached a point where 99% of the time when there’s a good dad and or a child feeling secure in their relationship with their father, it gives me so much joy and happiness to see. But there’s that 1% of the time when I have to fight to not allow my own pain to overshadow something that’s good. I feel like I’ve been fighting that 1% a lot recently. 

As long as I am on this earth, I think there will be parts of me that deeply and desperately long to have a good earthly father. I’ll long for someone who is involved in my life, around to help me and give me advice, and there for me to lean on when things are hard. I’ll long for someone to joke around with and do stupid things together and make fun of. I’ll long for someone that loves the Lord with all their heart, can be a godly leader, and lives their life with integrity and purity. I will always long for that good father as long as I am here. Though I wish this longing and aching could go away on earth, it always ends up coming back.

I think this longing that I have points me even more to God my Father. I struggle with not being able to be physically with Him and receive a hug from him. I struggle with not being able to audibly hear His voice speaking to me. But someday, I will be with God my Father in heaven and every longing I have ever had for a good Father will be fulfilled by Him perfectly. I long for the day when I get to be with Him, but for now I will still ache. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Life Lately- Being Faithful in the Mundane

Lately, my life has felt a little strange. I am in a position where a lot of things feel uncertain. Now that my job as a missionary to a college campus is finished, I have felt tempted to feel insignificant or to feel like I don’t have as much purpose. I have felt God challenging me and showing me that everything we do is for His glory. #1 it’s not about me and “my significance.” And #2 God can use me now just as much as He could use me where I was previously. As I’ve thought about these things and been contemplating what it looks like to be faithful to God in this season of my life, I feel like it is important for me to also encourage you to be faithful where God has you.

God cares about our obedience to Him more than our title and He cares about our faithfulness more than our location. I think I had a certain amount of pride in being a campus missionary and working with college students. I was proud to be involved in the ministry I was doing because I really believed God was moving and it was so cool to be a part of it. None of that is bad, but I must also remember that I am still a missionary, wherever God places me– whether in my neighborhood, or different friend groups, or to lost family, or even to strangers. What I have been slowly learning is that God opens doors for us to do ministry all the time and we just have to be ready for them. Wherever God has placed you, no matter how insignificant it may feel, He has you there for a reason. God is always trying to teach us, don’t miss out on what He wants to show you!

One of the really cool things about no longer being at my previous job is that I have more room in my schedule. I have actually struggled a lot this summer because I don’t have a routine and my schedule is all over the place. I don’t do great without structure. However, God has used my free time in ways I was not expecting. I have been more involved in serving my church and our church family, which has been fun. God burdened my heart for some of the young girls in our church and me and a couple of women in my House Church have hosted a couple of tween girls hangouts. I got to lead a Bible study on anxiety and it was really cool to talk to the young girls about what God has to say about it. We had our devotional time, games, food, pool time, and it was just a blast. Those girls are so special and I feel so certain that God loves them so deeply and has big plans for their lives. If my schedule wasn’t so open, I would not be able to pour into that ministry.

I have also been able to spend more time with family members and serve them and meet needs there. My grandpa’s health is not good and there are a lot of difficult things that have surrounded that. One of my favorite things that happened this summer was being able to sit with my grandma for a few hours and talk. We chatted about how hard things have been for her with my grandpa having cancer and she shared how God is working in her heart and in her life. We laughed, we cried. That’s probably the best conversation I’ve ever had with my grandma. I feel like that was another way God used my open schedule to bless me and bless others.

I have been able to spend more time with neighbors and trying to build deeper connections with them as well. Dillon and I have been praying for our neighbors and our street since we moved about a year ago and it has been so cool to see God answering our prayers. I feel so blessed that God put us in the house He did. With me being less busy, I have had way more opportunities to sit and talk with neighbors and become friends. I have also had more opportunities to pour into personal ministries that God has called me and my husband to, especially using our home for hospitality. We have hosted movie nights and evenings of sharing Bible stories with friends. I’ve even been working on writing my memoir and trying to finish a first draft of my book. God has used this unknown season to do lots of cool things.

It has been so cool to see God answering some of the prayers I’ve been praying for months. I feel like God asked me to step out of something I loved so that I could step into the things God has been planting and watering for me. You can always tell when God is doing something because it happens much easier than things that come from our own efforts. I keep trying to do things I have planned, but once I just submit to God and do His plan, everything starts to make sense. I am seeing some of the fruit of obedience already, and that is truly encouraging and humbling. As followers of Jesus, we often are guided to the next step God wants us to take but we really don’t know the full picture. God has His plans, but we only see a very small piece of the puzzle.

I still feel like a lot of the “puzzle pieces” are not clear for me yet. I still don’t have a new job (at the time of writing this I didn’t have a new job… but I do now! Praise God!), I still have lots of questions about where God is leading me and Dillon, I have lots of passions and projects that I want to pursue but I don’t quite know what God wants to do with them, there’s a lot of things going on within my church or within my family that feel unsettled– there’s a lot of question marks.

A lot of the time, it is important to focus on what we do know rather than all the things we don’t know yet. I know that Jesus has saved me and made me new, He has healed me, He has freed me, and He has given me purpose. I know that my main purpose in this life is to know Jesus, to give Him glory, and to tell others about Him. I know that Jesus has always provided for me and taken care of me so I can trust that He will continue to do so. I know that God has called me to love Him first, then my husband, then others. I know God has called me to be faithfully involved in my church and serving my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know God has given me and my husband a home and wants us to use it for hospitality to love and reach people. I know God has given me a gift and passion for writing and for sharing my story and helping people through trauma and abuse. These are just a few of the things I know, and with that–I feel certain that I’ve got plenty to work with! Now I just need to ask God what He wants me to do with these things. What are the things that you absolutely know to be true? What does God want you to do with that?

This stage of my life is very new for me. I’ve been through a lot of hard things in my life. I’ve had seasons that felt like I was drowning and all I could do was cling to Jesus for dear life. I am not in a season like that now. I think I got used to things falling apart and now I don’t really know what to do with myself when everything is actually going well. I think a lot of us have learned how to cling to Jesus when things are desperate, but I guess I’m still learning how to be just as desperate for Jesus when life is pretty peaceful. 

Do you ever feel like it’s harder to focus on Jesus in the mundane and boring times of life? I do. I feel like these days I am having to fight harder to read the Bible, talk to Jesus, memorize scripture, and study God and His Word. It’s easy to let it slide. I go about my day and tell myself, “I’ll have my quiet time later,” then later comes and goes and I still haven’t had time with God. But Jesus is just as vital now as He has always been. Whether things are good or great, bad or awful, or just okay doesn’t really matter. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever and my need for Him remains the same too.

If I feel like I don’t need Jesus, I am wrong. If you feel like you don’t need Jesus, you are wrong. Satan would love to make our lives easier if it means we drift further and further from Jesus. Even now, I just had to pause the writing of this blog because I hadn’t spent time with Jesus today. Life may feel like it is mundane at times, but as a Christian, every day is a battle. Every day I need to fight to keep my eyes on Jesus and to honor Him with everything I do. He has so much planned for me, I just have to keep asking Him what is next. And He has so much planned for you too.

I’m not really sure what the goal of this specific blog post is. I guess I just wanted to share a little bit about what’s going on in my life and some of the things on my mind. I hope the Lord used this post to encourage you and maybe spur you to think through some questions you might have. That’s all for now. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

walking to class


soft raindrops fall

into puddles on the pavement.

a serene scene.


she quickly walks through

the peaceful setting.

climbing up the stairs,


her heartbeat quickens.

she loses control.

she walks past the classroom door.


she almost made it to her class,

now she is in the bathroom

on the floor.    


so unlike the raindrops outside,

teardrops fall down her face

onto her lap.


there is nothing soft or serene

about this scene.


in / out

in / out

breathe.


going to class is the last thing on her mind.


The Story Behind the Poem

I wrote this poem when I was in the throes of having panic attacks pretty regularly. I remember this moment very vividly. During this time, I was struggling very much just to make it to my classes and to show up in my everyday tasks. On this day, I was so pleased that I was going to make it to my class. I was totally fine as I was walking to class and then as I was walking up the steps and almost there, I started feeling the panic set in. It felt like it was completely out of nowhere.

I am not sure what sparked that panic even to this day, but I know I had to walk right past my classroom and find a bathroom. I sat on the floor of that bathroom and wept. I felt so much anxiety and was struggling to breathe, so I did what I learned to do. I focused very intently on my breathing, breathing in and out as deeply as I could. Slowly, my breathing started to normalize and my heart rate slowed. I texted a friend to pray and sat there awhile, collecting myself.

By this point, it didn’t even make sense to go to class because I already missed too much of it and I was feeling shaky anyway. I remember feeling so disappointed in myself and so frustrated with my nervous system. It was something that was out of my control and just so stinkin’ infuriating. I didn’t want to struggle with anxiety and I certainly never wanted to have a panic attack again.

Unfortunately, during that season of my life, I had more panic attacks. It was something I hated and dreaded. I wasn’t sure if they would ever stop. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be free of anxiety, panic, depression, or PTSD. I felt very hopeless at times, wondering if I could ever move past these things.

And here I sit today, free from so much of it. I read one of my blog posts from November 2021 a couple days ago and I had forgotten something I had written in it.

I wrote, “Though I still struggle with PTSD, anxiety, and depression, I have seen so much progress and healing in those areas. I know that I could be 100% healed from those things someday, I used to think that was impossible. I know that God is the ultimate healer, and I will be healed to the measure He allows on this earth, and I will be fully healed and whole in heaven.”

It is so crazy to read that now, 3 years later, and to recognize how much God has done. I can now confidently say that God has healed me from PTSD, which is so crazy! I rarely struggle with flashbacks of abuse, nightmares, or triggers. Those things still happen every so often but it is so infrequent that I am surprised when it does happen.

I also have been freed from the chronic anxiety I had and the panic attacks. I don’t remember the last time I had a panic attack, which is absolutely AMAZING. Praise God! I am tempted to stress out, worry, or be anxious at times but it is far less than what I used to feel. I have my moments of having to cope with and fight against depression as well, but I have seen a lot of progress even with that. I believe that God can heal me 100% from those things too, just like I believed back in 2021.

I truly believe that your mindset matters so much in the struggles you face. If I didn’t believe God could heal me from PTSD, anxiety, and depression I don’t think God would have healed me. If I didn’t seek that healing and ask God to do it, I don’t think He would have. I know that God can do whatever He wants to do whether we want Him to or not. But I believe that God wants us to have faith, to seek Him, and to ask for the healing and breakthroughs we desire in our lives.

Maybe this is part of what Jesus meant when He said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” I know the context for this verse is really about salvation, but I believe it can apply to other areas of our lives as well, like healing and breakthrough!

God wants us to ask for the things we desire, like healing, and to seek Him as we are on this journey. And if God answers your prayer with a resounding, “YES,” you can celebrate all the more enthusiastically because you decided to actively seek out healing and breakthrough. If God chooses to answer your prayer by saying, “Wait,” or “Not yet,” or even, “Not here on earth,” my prayer is that you would be able to trust Him even then.

I believe I will be completely free from chronic anxiety and depression in my life here on earth, but if God chooses to wait, I can take comfort in the fact that one day He will take all of our pain, suffering, and tears away. This means every bit of anxiety and depression will one day be done away with when we go to be with Jesus.

If God chooses to allow us to continue to struggle with these sorts of things, then He must know something we don’t. Maybe that struggle is what will keep you dependent on Jesus. Maybe that struggle is what will help you stay humble in this life. Maybe that struggle puts you in a unique position to reach someone with the Gospel. Even if we still struggle with the things we hate struggling with most- God is still good and He has a good plan.

I praise God for the amazing and miraculous healing He has done in my life up to this point. I never imagined that I would be this free in my life here on earth. I never imagined God would be so kind and generous to heal me of so much. I can do nothing but praise Him and give Him all the glory.

If you struggle with anxiety, depression, or PTSD I am so sorry. I know that it is hard. I know that it can feel hopeless at times. Take heart, God is with you in this struggle. I believe that God is our Healer and He can heal us from anything. I would encourage you to ask God to bring you healing. Tell Him how you are feeling and share with Him that the desire of your heart is for you to be completely healed.

We don’t have to be afraid to be honest with our Father, He is good and kind and gracious. He desires what is best for us and ultimately God desires healing for all of His children. He gets to decide the timing of this healing, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ask for it now. I hope and pray that you can experience the miraculous healing of God even now! But, even if God’s timing for your complete healing is not now, He is with you and you can still live a full and God-honoring life. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

7 Years of Freedom

It’s been 7 years since my family found out that my dad had been sexually abusing me. My life is completley different now. I’ve been reflecting a lot today on how much the Lord has done in these last 7 years and I am truly blown away. He is so good. It makes me so grateful to think about the fact that my Heavenly Father loved me so deeply and had so much compassion for me that He just couldn’t allow me to stay where I was. 

All those years ago, He brought me out of the pit and set my feet upon solid ground. He saved me out of the darkness I was in and brought me into His marvelous light. I truly feel as if my life didn’t start until that day, 7 years ago. Since then, the Lord has brought so much healing into my life, He has given me joy and freedom! He has truly set me free from the many things that enslaved me. 

I stand here today able to so confidently testify of the Lord’s goodness and grace because I have experienced it firsthand. There are so many things that God has done in my life that I just never imagined would happen. The life I had planned for myself before this day 7 years ago was a very sad and hopeless life. I felt trapped and truly believed not a soul would ever know my dad abused me, but the Lord wouldn’t allow me to stay in that prison. He forced me into a life that could be lived in the light, exposing every bit of darkness until there was none left.

Soon after I opened up about the abuse, I went to therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. These diagnoses felt like they would last forever and these mental health struggles would just always be a part of me. But again, God had different plans! I am able to say something I thought I would never be able to say this side of heaven– Jesus has healed me from my PTSD! Praise God for His goodness and mercy toward me. 

The panic attacks, flashbacks, constant triggers, and nightmares are things that I almost never experience anymore. There are certainly still struggles that I face and impacts from the abuse I went through, but the Lord has truly healed me of a disorder that I thought I would live with forever. I believe the Lord has healed me from the anxiety that I battled these last few years, and I believe that He will heal me from the depression in His timing. I can say that God has brought me out of most of the depression, but I still battle with it at times. But I praise God for all that He has done already!

God has also done miracles in my family and our relationships these last 7 years. He has brought closeness and strength into my relationships with my siblings, He has healed my relationship with my mom, and He has brought healing and reconciliation in other family relationships as well. The Lord did all of this through the difficulty of exposing sin and darkness. That is why He calls us to live and walk in the light, not in the darkness. Because the darkness is where satan thrives. The darkness is where sin festers and grows. But the light is where Jesus is! The light is where healing and restoration and beauty come.

God has also brought me through the process of pressing charges against my dad and him being sentenced to 20 years in prison. The Lord was so faithful during that really difficult time and He was so present with me. God showed me that He is a God of justice and vengeance is the Lord’s, not mine. But He also allowed me to see that sin has consequences and that it is okay to desire justice even on earth. God was so merciful to me to lead me into filing a police report, pressing charges, and carrying me all the way until the sentencing date. I 100% believe that it was God’s mercy for me that my dad is in prison, but also that it was His mercy for my dad. 

I hope and pray that my dad is truly humbled and repentant and the Lord leads him to a real and deep relationship with Jesus. I believe the Lord loves my dad deeply, and that love is what brought my dad to prison where he will be most challenged to actually surrender to and follow Jesus.

The Lord has also been so faithful and kind to bless me with my husband, Dillon. I have seen God’s power and love in the way He has strengthened and protected my marriage. I have been able to understand Jesus’ love for the church more by the way my husband has loved me and stood by me during very difficult times. God has brought so much healing in me during my marriage and has given me freedom from the effects of sexual trauma. I am amazed by how much the Lord has done in healing me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually during these last (almost) 4 years of marriage.

Another thing the Lord has done in these last 7 years is that He has allowed me to help so many women who have experienced sexual abuse. God has brought me comfort and hope and I have been able to pass on that same comfort and hope to others (2 Corinthians 1:3-7). I am truly humbled and amazed by how many people God has allowed me to help, support, love, encourage, and pray for in their healing journeys. I have met so many other survivors of sexual abuse and the Lord has been so good to bring me healing through those survivors and hopefully bring them healing through me.

There are so many stories I could tell and ways I could testify about the fact that God is the Healer. I will always be amazed at the ways He has healed me and I hope that I will always seek to point others to this amazing Healer. 

The way the Lord saved me from the abuse and trauma I was in is truly such a tangible metaphor for the gospel and the way Jesus has saved us from our sin. In the same way that I was broken and full of shame and living in darkness–we are all broken, ashamed, and living in darkness unless we have been saved. In the same way that I was hopeless and alone, we all are until we meet Jesus. I needed saving from my situation of abuse and darkness, but so much more than that I needed saving from my own sin and brokenness that I was born into. 

We are all born into a world of sin and brokenness (Genesis 3). None of us is good, not a single one of us (Romans 3:10-12). Our sin and wrongdoing deserves to be punished, we deserve to be subject to the wrath of God (Romans 6:23). Because of this, we all need a Savior, someone who can pay the price for our sins and for the punishment that we deserve (John 3:16-18) That’s where Jesus comes in! 

God sent His only Son, Jesus, to live a perfect life, die a gruesome death, take on the wrath and punishment of God that we deserved, and then rise back to life three days later. Jesus was the perfect and final sacrifice required to cover our sins. When we go to Him, acknowledge that He is the one true God and He truly came, died, and rose, and we ask for forgiveness–He freely gives it! When we ask for Jesus’ forgiveness and we dedicate our lives to following Him, we are saved. We get to have a relationship with the God of the universe, our Healer, our Father, and our Savior.

God saves us out of the pit of darkness that we are in, and sets our feet upon solid ground! God brings us into His marvelous light, He covers our shame and guilt and gives us freedom from sin, and He brings healing and joy into our lives. This is the gospel, the good news!

I truly believe that the deliverance the Lord gave me out of the abuse from my dad has been the clearest picture of the gospel I have seen in my life. But God’s deliverance for me out of this situation doesn’t even come close to His deliverance of my Spirit from my own sin. He has given me a new life and made me an entirely new creation. I am no longer a slave to sin and brokenness, I am a slave to righteousness! 

If you haven’t accepted this good news, the gospel, I pray that you will today. God will deliver you from your sin and brokenness and you will start a completely new life. Following Jesus has been the best decision I have ever made, and I pray you will make the same decision.

God truly desires what is best for us and He truly is good. There are countless ways I have experienced God’s goodness, mercy, and love. If you haven’t ever experienced this before–you are missing out and I pray that you would seek Jesus. God says that if you seek Him, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). Knock and the door will be opened to you (Matthew 7:7-8).

I praise God for the way He has changed my life. I walk in freedom today because of Him. I am so, so thankful to walk in the light for the rest of my life and to never live in darkness and secrecy again. Praise God! Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

God’s Good Plans are Now

A few months ago at a church service, one of my brothers, Michael, shared something with our church that was so inspiring and difficult to hear all at once. 

Here’s a little background before I share what he said. Michael was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in the summer of 2022. He had tumors all over his body and was on the edge of losing the function of his legs due to a tumor on his spine. He went through a lot of very painful things before and during his treatment; he had to have bone marrow taken from his hip, he went through radiation for the tumor on his spine, he went through months of chemotherapy, and even before treatment, he experienced so much pain due to the cancerous tumors all over his body. These are just some of the things he went through and those are only the physical. 

He experienced deep pain and suffering mentally and emotionally before he got his diagnosis as he was confused why this pain was happening and spent so many nights crying out in agony. Once he was diagnosed, he had to grapple with the fact that he might die. At that time, he had a wife and two children (now he and his wife have another child!), and I know it was so scary to think of what his family would do if the cancer couldn’t be cured.

Praise God that Michael has been fully healed and is cancer-free! But at that time, he didn’t know how the story would end. He didn’t know if he would die or how long the treatment would take, there were so many uncertainties. This is what Michael shared at church after he was healed.

This quote isn’t verbatim but he shared something along these lines: We always hear that God has good plans. We often find comfort through trials and suffering knowing that God will bring about His good plans. We think of these “good plans” as a future thing that we are eagerly awaiting. But God’s good plans are now. Even in the pain and the suffering, God’s good plans are right here and right now. 

Michael shared that God’s good plans were unfolding even when he was first diagnosed with cancer, during his treatment, and even before he was healed. God’s good plans weren’t just for Michael to be healed, they were for him to go through all that he did and to learn, grow, and be strengthened in his faith. 

This truth was extremely challenging to hear, but man was it encouraging! It is so hard for us as humans to truly understand what “good” means. Our definition of good is not the same as God’s. Very often, God’s good plans happen amidst so much chaos, trials, and confusion. 

We are concerned about our circumstances, God is concerned with our hearts. When we see difficulty, God sees a chance to become perseverant. When we see discomfort, God sees growth. When we see pain and suffering, God sees a chance for us to trust Him and share the testimony of that trial afterward. When we see bad, hard, or impossible, God sees a chance to make us become more like Jesus and make us holy. Everything we go through in this life is a chance to learn more about God’s character, grow in becoming more like Him, learn how to trust Him more, and it’s a chance to testify to those around us during and after our trials.

God is not concerned about our lives being easy or comfortable. He is so much more focused on us being like Him and our hearts being transformed and softened. We want to know all the details, God wants us to trust Him in the unknown. We want comfort, God wants us to be sanctified. We want ease, but God wants us to grow. What is good to God may not seem good to us, but He is the creator and definer of good. Who are we to exclaim to Him, “These plans aren’t good!”?

When my brother said God’s good plans are now, he meant even when you get the cancer diagnosis. Even when a loved one unexpectedly dies. Even when you are struggling through depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation. Even when you are dealing with traumatic events in your life. Even when you get fired from your job. Even when you’re struggling with infertility. You fill in the blank with whatever you are suffering with right now. God has good plans EVEN in that situation.

This doesn’t mean that cancer is good, death is good, mental health struggles are good, trauma is good, or that infertility is good. Our suffering in itself is not what is good. But what God does through it and during it, that is good. God is able to redeem anything in this world. God is able to make even the most horrible situations into a beautiful and hope-filled testimony. Don’t think that what you are going through is so bad that it overpowers God’s goodness. Nothing can touch the goodness of God.

I know that real suffering can produce hopelessness and such intense pain. I don’t want to invalidate that pain. But don’t let it stop at hopelessness and pain. Allow God to shine His light onto your situation. Allow Him to do what He does. He makes light out of darkness. He brings hope to the hopeless. He brings joy even in the most heart-breaking times. God is a God of the impossible, and that includes your situation.

Let my brother’s words be an encouragement to you, God’s good plans for you are RIGHT NOW. Don’t believe the lie that God doesn’t have what is best for you in mind. His plans are always for our good and for His glory. You may not realize what good thing God is trying to do in your heart through this, but I know He has a plan for you and it is what you need, even if it isn’t what you want. Let Him work. Trust Him. I promise His plans for you are far better than anything you can come up with, and they are unfolding as you read this.

Even if it doesn’t feel good right now, take heart. God is working all things out and He loves you deeply. God is with you friend, even amidst the pain and suffering. He is good, and His plans for you are good. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Talitha Koum

When I was a little girl, I was in need of healing and saving. I needed physical healing and saving, but more than that, I needed spiritual healing. Jesus came to me and raised me to life. He brought me up out of darkness and into His light, and He gave me life, not just temporary life, but eternal. 

There is a story in the Bible where Jesus does something similar. It is in Mark 5, and I’d love to share it with you.

Mark 5: 21-24 says, “When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around Him while He was by the lake. Then one of the synagogue leaders, named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at His feet. He pleaded earnestly with Him, ‘My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.’ So Jesus went with him.” 

Later, Mark 5:35-43 says, “While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. ‘Your daughter is dead,’ they said. ‘Why bother the teacher anymore?’ Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, ‘Don’t be afraid; just believe.’ He did not let anyone follow Him except Peter, James, and John the brother of James. 

When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, ‘Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.’ But they laughed at Him. 

After He put them all out, He took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with Him and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, ‘Talitha koum!’ (which means ‘Little girl, I say to you, get up!’). Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this, they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.”

When Jairus came to Jesus and told Him about his daughter and asked Him to heal her, Jesus went with him. Jesus had immediate compassion for Jairus and his daughter.

In this story, we are not told a lot of details about the little girl’s sickness, but it is bad enough that she is dying. We know that based on Jairus’ asking Jesus to heal his daughter and based on Jesus’ response, Jesus has the power to heal someone who is dying. But even after the girl dies, Jesus says, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” 

Jesus’ power can defeat death itself. There is nothing that is too difficult for Him, no one who is too far gone to restore, both physically and spiritually. 

By the time Jesus arrives, Jairus’ daughter has already died. But Jesus asks, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” Even after death has taken place, Jesus has the authority and power to save. 

Jesus takes her by the hand and says to her, “Talitha Koum!” which means little girl, I say to you, get up. A few things caught my attention in this passage. Jesus took the little girl by her hand, and He held her hand. Jesus’ touch has power, comfort, and healing.

Not only does He grab her hand, but He speaks life over her. The power in the phrase “Little girl, I say to you, get up” is not in the phrase itself, but in the one who says it. The meaning is, “Little girl, I say to you, get up.” “I say to you.” If any other person had said it, it wouldn’t have had the same power. But because Jesus said it, those words had the power to raise her from the dead. 

When I was a little girl living through sexual abuse and feeling like my life was really death, Jesus came to me. He took me by the hand, and He spoke life over me. Jesus gave me spiritual life, raised me from the dead, and made me new.

The only person who could have raised me up this way is Jesus. When others thought it was impossible for a girl like me to get up and live, Jesus made a way. From the outside, people would have already mourned over me and said their goodbyes, condemning me to darkness and death because of the sickness that was around me. But Jesus grabbed my hand and told me to get up. Praise God that no one is too dead for God to raise. 

Not only was there death and sickness in my life because of the abuse being done to me, but the worst death and sickness in my life was my own sin. The thing I truly needed to be saved from, even more than the abuse, was my own sin.

 Jesus gave me spiritual life as a child by making me a new person and saving me from the wrath I deserved because of the sins I committed against Him. He covered my sins and paid for them with His own death. Later on in my life, physical life and healing were given to me and He saved me from the circumstances that caused me to live in abuse.

When I was a teenager, that is when Jesus said to me, “Little girl, I say to you, get up!” That is when He physically saved me from the death I had been living through and began to heal me. He told me it was time to stop living my life “asleep” and to wake up and live!

Talitha Koum are the words that Jesus used to save me out of a meaningless and hopeless life. His desire for me was so much more than the life I used to live. He wanted me to have a full life, a life of freedom and joy. He wanted me to live a life marked by Him and His words. This is the same life that He desires for you.

God calls us to get up and live in a lot of areas of life. But the most significant area is in our spiritual lives. As I mentioned before, no one is too far gone for Jesus. His power can conquer anything, even death. It doesn’t matter how sinful you have been and how undeserving you are, God can save you and raise you to life spiritually. 

It would be an insult to God for us to think we are too sinful and that Jesus’ blood couldn’t cover us. Jesus didn’t die a horrible, gruesome death for nothing. He died such a death because of the nature of the heinous sin He was dying for. Your sin isn’t so bad that you cannot be forgiven and told to “get up!”

I have referenced something a few times and I want to make sure that if you don’t know what I am talking about, you can know! This sacrifice that Jesus made, this death He died, the blood that covered my sins–if you haven’t heard of that story, it’s called the Gospel (which means Good News). This story can be found in the Bible, in the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. You can look this up online, or send me a message through the Contact page if you want! I would love to answer any questions and help you understand better:)

My hope in sharing this story with you is that it can be an encouragement and an inspiration for you. Jesus raised a little girl to life a couple thousand years ago, but He still does that today. He did that in my life and He can do it in yours. Our lives are meant to be lived with eagerness and excitement, and that is what Jesus brings. He provides life, healing, and comfort, but more than that, He brings freedom, fun, and purpose. What area of your life needs to be changed? How do you need to “get up” and live? I hope you ask yourself those questions, and I hope you allow God to bring you true life. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

Father’s Day

This past Father’s Day sparked a lot of thoughts in my head. For me, every Father’s Day brings a lot of mixed emotions. My biological dad abused me, he is in prison, and just frankly, he was a really bad father. I also have many friends and family who have difficult relationships with their dads and bad experiences or trauma associated with them. But on the other hand, my brothers are all awesome dads now, there are so many wonderful fathers in my church family, and of course, I have the most amazing Father in Heaven.

I know that Father’s Day can be a really hard day for many people, for a lot of reasons. So, I hope that I can relate to you in this post and help you to know that you are not alone.

I always think of my dad first on Father’s Day. I think of the ways he tried to be a good dad, of everything he put me through, of the fact that I won’t see him on this day, he won’t be celebrated on this day, and I think of where he is and what he must be thinking.

I remember him playing his guitar and singing songs in our kitchen. I remember his corny jokes and silly smile. I remember him helping me when I first started reading my Bible. I remember how much he loved to write and how proud he was when I wanted to be a writer.

I remember the first time he abused me. I remember all of the secrecy and shame and threats. I remember his apologies followed by more abuse. I remember many empty promises from him. I remember him pleading not guilty when I pressed charges and dragging out the process for over a year. I remember him trying to get off easy and attempting to plead to lesser charges.

I remember the day I told someone for the first time that my dad abused me. I remember my dad being kicked out of our house. I remember the pressure from him for me to reconcile our relationship because he “missed me.” I remember missing him. I remember when I stopped missing him. I remember when I never wanted to see him again.

I remember the fact that I haven’t had to fake celebrate my father for the past 6 Father’s Days. I remember when I used to write him cards on Father’s Day telling him he was the best dad ever. I remember feeling obligated to celebrate that he was my dad.

I remember that he is in a prison cell. He is far away from his entire family. No one is going to be celebrating that he is a father.

I remember that he must feel so broken and so sad on this day. I wonder what he is thinking? Does he regret his choices and all of the pain he caused me and many others? Does he feel ashamed of the horrible things he did? Or does he feel bitter that he isn’t being celebrated? Does he think he is suffering unjustly?

These are all the thoughts that roll around in my head leading up to Father’s Day. Then I walk into church. It seems like there is always someone in my family who is really broken on this day. Most of the time it is me, sometimes it’s my mom, other times it’s a sibling. This time it was a sibling.

When I saw my sibling they were already crying. They felt broken and convicted. They were brokenhearted over the fact that they felt bitter toward my dad and they were angry. They felt broken over the fact that they never wanted to see him and convicted that they didn’t want to pray for him.

I didn’t really feel those things if I am being honest with you. I felt numb. I felt like I didn’t really know how to feel.

During our service at church, all the dads stood up and served the bread and juice to the congregation for communion. I felt a little teary being served by my brother. He passed me the bread and said, “This is Jesus’ body, that was broken for you.” He gave me the cup and said, “This is Jesus’ blood, that was poured out for you.”

Our pastor looked at the congregation afterward and told them if their biological dad was able to serve them today, they are truly blessed. He was right. It was both a beautiful and a surreal moment to have my brother, who is less than two years older than me, step in and serve me in the place of my father. This was honestly a really big blessing and a sweet moment, but it was hard at the same time.

Me and Dillon, my husband, were able to get lunch with his family and celebrate his dad. We went around the table sharing things we appreciated about him. Again, it was a very sweet moment but was bittersweet for me. All the things I shared that I was thankful for about him were things that my dad is not.

When we got home, I broke down and hugged Dillon. I told him I was thankful he has a great dad, but it is hard that I don’t.

All day, I was thankful for my brothers, for the fathers in my church, and for Dillon’s dad. All day I hoped these dads felt loved and celebrated. But that doesn’t change the fact that it was still a difficult day for me and the feelings I have about my dad can be really painful.

Although I don’t have an earthly father worthy of celebrating, I do have a Heavenly one that deserves to be celebrated every day! God has been my good Father since I was 6 years old. He has been with me through everything and has loved me purely and unconditionally. He is faithful and kind and true to His promises. That is the hope I cling to every Father’s Day.

Not only am I so thankful for God, but I am thankful for what He has delivered me from. I am thankful I don’t have to see my dad anymore. I am thankful my dad is in prison and can’t hurt anyone else. I am thankful I don’t feel an obligation to celebrate him anymore. I am thankful I don’t have to hide my pain anymore. I am thankful for all the healing that God has brought in my life. I am thankful that my story matters and that God can use it to impact other people’s lives and help them navigate their stories.

I think of Joseph from the Bible and everything he endured in his life. He was thrown into a pit and then sold into slavery by his own brothers, he was falsely accused of abusing a woman who was trying to seduce him, he was wrongly imprisoned, he was forgotten, he was separated from everything and everyone he once knew and loved…BUT, God was with him through it all and used Joseph and all of the pain he endured to deliver an entire nation and surrounding nations from death and famine.

Later in Joseph’s life when his circumstances had changed, his brothers were starving because of the famine in their land and went to seek food from Egypt. By this time, Joseph was the second highest in command in Egypt, just under Pharaoh. Not knowing who he was, Joseph’s brothers went to him for food. Instead of punishing them and trying to seek revenge, Joseph had mercy on them. He recognized that everything that he had been through had a purpose. He gave them plenty of food and provided land for their entire family to live and thrive.

Genesis 50:20 says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

This was Joseph speaking to those same brothers who had almost left him for dead, but then instead sold him into slavery. Imagine the freedom he felt in releasing his bitterness and choosing instead to recognize the goodness of God’s character and the amazing work God had done because of everything he had been through.

(If you want to read Joseph’s story in the Bible, read Genesis chapters 37 to 50).

That’s how I feel in my life, and I know that God has much more in store for me. I’m not saying I have been through the same things as Joseph or that I will be saving nations from famine any time soon, but I know that all the hard things that I have gone through in my life are meant “for good” and “the saving of many lives.”

Maybe not literal, physical lives will be saved through my story, but I know that God has good things in store that give my life meaning. Maybe my story will make people feel less alone, or realize they can experience healing, or that there is hope even after so much darkness, or that it is possible to love God and trust Him even after experiencing such hard things.

Maybe your story is meant for good and for the purpose of saving lives. Even if you have the most painful, horrible life story, I believe that God can bring healing to you and make beauty out of the ashes. I believe that God can use what you’ve been through to help others have the kind of hope that you longed for as a child.

Whatever you have been through, it doesn’t have to be in vain. It doesn’t have to be pointless. That doesn’t mean you have to celebrate the trauma and difficulty you have experienced, but it does mean that God can use those things to bring hope and healing to others. There is a purpose in everything you have been through. I pray that someday you get to see what Joseph got to see. That you have the realization that your pain wasn’t for no reason and that your life has a purpose.

So yeah, Father’s Day is a hard day for me. I’m sure you can relate to that, whether it is Father’s Day specifically or some other date that always brings up something hard for you. It’s okay to have hard days, to feel sad, to remember painful things. But you don’t have to stay there. There is hope!

There is a Father in Heaven who loves you. He loves you so much that He sent His own Son to live a perfect, sinless life on earth, die on the cross for sins we committed, and raise to life—defeating death and sin. He did this so that we can be reconciled to Him. So that we can be forgiven and cleansed from our sins and approach God with confidence and peace.

That is the Gospel, the “Good News.” The reason it’s called good news is because it is the best news anyone can ever share with you. If you don’t really understand the Gospel or you have questions about God, I can guarantee there are people in your life that would love to talk to you about it. If you have a Christian friend, ask them your questions! If you don’t, go to my Contact page and send me a message! God is always available to you as well, if you are searching for Him, He can be found. Call out to Him, seek Him, and He will answer. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

I Hope This Makes You Feel Less Alone

If you know me well, you know I am pretty much an open book. But that is not how I used to be. A big part of my story is that I was a vault of secrecy when I was younger surrounding the fact that my dad was sexually abusing me.

It is honestly crazy to think how much God has changed me and helped me to grow into someone who can share their life with vulnerability and confidence. I know that God wants me to share my story and that He can help others through my willingness to be open and talk about what I have been through.

This blog has been a huge leap of faith for me. It is one thing for me to open up to the people in my life who I see frequently and to open up in intimate settings, and it is another thing for me to write about these things and post them online. I remember having a lot of fear and doubt about writing about my life and posting it.

Towards the end of 2021, I launched my blog and that was the first time I had ever opened up online about being sexually abused by my dad. I was terrified… not for strangers to know these things, but for the people in my life that know me now, or knew me back then to read what I wrote.

I have become increasingly more comfortable in posting on my blog and being open even online, but there are certain things I avoided up to this point.

Today, I’d like to open up about something I have never shared in this space. I think it is important for me to share this and I hope that whoever reads this will personally benefit from it or can share it with someone who will benefit from it.

I would love to be a resource for anyone who has gone through similar things or is thinking about stepping into this difficult journey. So, I guess I’ll just jump right in.

At the end of 2020, I filed a police report regarding the sexual abuse my dad perpetrated and pressed charges against him. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and one of the hardest processes I have ever been through.

The following year, 2021, was full of phone calls and interviews with policemen, lawyers, and child advocates (because the abuse I went through happened while I was still a minor), as well as many court dates. I am not going to go into detail about everything that happened during that season at this time, but I hope to share more details in the future.

On April 6th, 2022, my dad was sentenced to 20 years in prison. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. It was so hard to be the one who pressed charges against him and I had so many mixed emotions as the person who abused me was finally brought to justice, but that person was also my dad.

It has been a year since that sentencing date, and I feel more comfortable sharing this experience now. If you have been involved in my life, any of my siblings’ lives, or my mom’s life then you probably have heard about this stuff, and it is not news to you. But I know there are some people who weren’t aware that my dad is in prison.

As I said, I am not going to go into the details of the experience of pressing charges at this time, but I wanted to share some of my grieving process after my dad was sentenced.

If you or someone you know are thinking about filing a police report and pressing charges or you are already in that process, I’d love to be someone you can talk to. If you have any questions, concerns, or just want to have someone who understands what you are experiencing in your corner, I’d love to be that person. Please go to my contact page if you’d like to connect.

I am also sharing some of my grieving process in hopes that others can relate, be comforted, and feel understood in some way. Thanks for coming into this space and diving into the hard things with me ❤

These are a few things I wrote down in my notes as I was grieving over my dad after he was sentenced. TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE.

Grieving : Monday, April 18th, 2022

I took this whole week off work. I am sitting here at my desk trying to open a box that desperately clings shut. Grief. I know that I have cried and wept, that I have been full of sorrow and that my heart and body have ached with sadness and regret. But when I think about my dad, about my past, about the trauma and abuse I have experienced,  and all of the dreams and hopes I once had that have been crushed–I know that I haven’t fully grieved it all. How do you let go of a parent? How do you leave the past in the past? How do you somehow accept the reality of years of trauma and abuse being part of your story? How do you put to rest the many hopes and dreams you once had and start to build new ones? These are certainly the questions I need answers to. But the biggest question I have is simply; how do you let yourself truly and completely grieve? I hope that God will help me answer that question this week. I hope that God will empower and equip me to let go and release all these things I no longer need to hold on to.

…

He Is Not My Father : Monday, April 18th, 2022

It is time for me to let go of my dad. The man who is biologically my father. He helped bring me into this world and then he wrecked my world. When I was an innocent, trusting child, he sexualized me. He saw me as an object, something to fulfill his dark, sinful fantasies involving a child. He touched me, molested me, abused me. He trapped me in a prison where I always felt scared and unsafe. He made me wonder what I did to deserve this abuse. He placed the responsibility on me to stay silent and take it so that no one else would be impacted or hurt. He maintained a façade around everyone else that assured no one would suspect a thing. And I, a child, kept all of the confusion, the pain, the sadness, the feelings of worthlessness, shame, and impurity–I kept them in. I swallowed my feelings and the trauma and tried to be a good daughter. He had no problem abusing me and then allowing me to remain in my loneliness and shame. He didn’t care that I was falling apart, ready to burst. He made empty promises that he would never abuse me again, and then he proved himself a liar again and again. He manipulated, gaslighted, controlled, guilted, shamed, and confused me. He harassed and abused me.  He did not father me–he is not my father. He is nothing but a broken, sinful man. My Father is in Heaven, I am a daughter of The King. The man who neglected, abused, and harmed me is not my father. A father is one who cares for, protects, and uplifts his child. I have no earthly father–the only Father I have is in Heaven.

…

I Can’t Fix the Past : Monday, April 18th, 2022

As a child, my needs were not met. I had a roof over my head, and plenty of clothes and food, but the most important things were not given to me. I was not safe or protected. I was not cherished and cared for. I was not uplifted and encouraged. I was not empowered to speak for myself and express my needs or fears. I was abused frequently for years of my life, basically my entire childhood. I grew up in fear and shame, in confusion and pain. I was wounded and broken, scarred and traumatized. I can never go back and change what happened. I wish I could prevent that little, innocent girl from ever being touched by her abuser. I wish I could give her the power to speak against her abuser from the very start. I wish I had the power to place a wonderful, God-honoring father in her life. One that would shower her with pure and unconditional love, that would protect and empower her, that would speak life over her. I wish she had a father that made her feel like a kid, without fear or worry. I wish she had a father that could tell her about her value and her worth in Christ, one that could even tell her how beautiful she was in a way that was pure, that made her smile freely without wondering if his heart was in the right place. I wish she had a father that could have been there for her, one that could have held her in his arms when she needed support. A father that could have prayed for her and encouraged her when she was struggling. A father that could have spoken to the boy that was interested in her, asked him about his intentions, and told him to respect and honor her. A father that could have walked her down the aisle on her wedding day and looked at her with joy-filled tears in his eyes. A father that could one day watch her become a mother, one that would look at her and her babies with pride. I wish that my childhood could have been filled with happy memories of a little girl that had no worries. A little girl that felt seen, loved, protected, and valuable. I wish that she could have been treated well and didn’t ever have to know the pain of abuse and trauma. But these things are not reality, they are just wishes. The truth is, I had a terrible, abusive father, my childhood was marked by abuse and fear and shame, my needs were not met, my hopes and dreams were not fulfilled, and the way that things should have been is not the way they were. Nothing will change the way things happened in my past. I must learn to accept that my life has been filled with many hard things, and my life on earth will always be impacted by the abuse and trauma I have gone through. I can’t fix the past, I can only grieve it and move forward with new hopes and dreams.

…

What The Little Girl Deserved : Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

He looks at his newborn daughter in awe of her innocence, her fragility, and her dependence upon him and her mother.

He knows the moment he sees her little fingers wrapped around his, the moment he hears her soft cry, that he will love her and protect her with all that he is.

He is honored to be the one entrusted with this responsibility, the responsibility to love her and cherish her.

He ensures she is warm, clothed, fed, clean, and provided for.

He takes every opportunity to tell her how special she is, that she is beautiful, valuable, strong, and loved.

He speaks life over her, he never tears her down or discourages her.

He tells her that her identity is in Christ and that she is worth so much because God created her with worth, in His own image.

He is not afraid to tell her he loves her, to show her he loves her, but he always does so with purity and does so unconditionally.

He lets her be a kid, he lets her laugh and dance and wonder. He lets her play and imagine and explore.

He never burdens her with his issues and worries and mistakes.

He fights against any harm that could come her way, he protects her and shields her from pain and abuse.

He is her advocate, he always chooses what is best for her, and he makes sure that her needs are met.

He loves her. He cherishes her. He gives her stability. He protects her. He encourages her.

He ensures her childhood is full of joy, laughter, freedom, and truth.

She runs into his arms without a care, no fear or worry, knowing she is safe. She sits on his lap when she needs to be reminded of the stability of her life.

She looks at him and is reminded that she can depend on him, that she can count on him.

When she sees him she remembers that he makes sure she is warm, clothed, fed, and clean; that she is provided for and doesn’t need to worry.

She looks at him and remembers that she is special, beautiful, valuable, strong, and loved.

When she sees him, she feels alive and lifted up.

She looks at him and knows that she has worth, that God created her in His image.

When she sees him, she sees someone who loves her, someone she can trust to support her and comfort her, that loves her purely and unconditionally.

She looks at him and she knows she is free to be a kid, to have fun, she knows that she is taken care of.

She doesn’t even know the many ways that he has protected her. She has no idea of the things that could have been, she only knows she is safe.

She feels cherished.

Her childhood is full of good and wonderful things, she only knows joy, laughter, freedom, and truth.

…

Reflections

The notes I wrote in April of last year are obviously very raw and honest. I know that some of the things I wrote can come off as harsh or intense, but that is the reality of abuse and trauma. I hope that my honesty can help you through your raw moments. I hope that you feel less alone in your pain and struggle after reading this.

I am so thankful that even though I have been through difficult things (just as everyone goes through difficult things), God is so good. He has been so present in my life and He is the only one who has sustained me through it all. I can say without a doubt that it was the Lord who walked with me through this darkness and pain, and it is Him alone who has led me into light and comfort.

I pray that even just one person will feel a little less alone after reading this. I hope you can share this with someone who is suffering in a similar way and that this post can be a blessing to them. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

dear dad, isn’t it ironic?

dear dad,


you are the one

meant to protect,

to love,

to be trusted.


you are the one

meant to support,

to comfort,

to be there.


where are you?

you are not here.

you are

alone.


i wasn’t safe around you,

i needed protection.

i fell apart around you,

i needed support.


isn’t it ironic

that you are the one

i needed protection from

all along?


isn’t it ironic

that you were always there

but i wish

that you hadn’t been?


isn’t it ironic

that i felt love

from anyone

but you?


isn’t it ironic

that i

cannot trust people

because of you?


all i know is,

if there is one thing

that you taught me,

it’s irony.


sincerely, Elena


The Story Behind the Poem

I wrote this poem almost exactly 5 years ago, on February 11, 2018. This would have been about 7 months after I told my family that my dad abused me. It also would have been during that time that I had a poetry class, one that deeply impacted my life.

In that class, week after week I was challenged to grow as a writer, and I did. What I don’t think I realized is how much I was growing as a person. Looking back, I can see that class didn’t just make my writing better, it challenged me to be vulnerable in a group of strangers, speak honestly, and think deeply about what had happened in my life and who my dad really was.

During this time, while battling my unhealthy coping mechanisms and my knee-jerk responses both of avoidance and suppression (and many more for that matter), I was also pushing myself to be honest about how I felt for the first time. This was especially difficult for me when it came to my dad. The relationship I had with him was so complex and my brain had a way of avoiding criticizing him.

There were many things I was not ready to say out loud, but writing has always helped me to express things I would never have had the courage or self-awareness to say. As I wrote about my dad and what a dad is supposed to be, I realized that I did have some negative feelings about my dad and that those feelings were warranted.

God’s design of what a dad is meant to be is so far from who my dad was to me. When I started writing about that, I found that those words were true and that I felt them deeply.

When I wrote “where are you? you are not here” that is when I started feeling a fire inside of me.  I realized he should have been there, but he wasn’t. I felt like I was fatherless even though my father was close by. It made me angry that his decision to abuse me forced me to not have him in my life. Once I felt that, the other words poured out.

I wasn’t safe around him, I fell apart around him, I needed protection from my own father, I wished he had never been around, I never felt loved by him, and he was the reason I couldn’t trust people. All of this poured out and I realized just how ironic it was that everything a dad is meant to be, was just about the opposite of who my dad was.

It just felt right to structure this poem as a letter to my dad, a very sarcastic yet honest letter. I never actually sent this to him, because the point was that I was writing it for my own benefit, not his. I wrote in all lowercase because it felt like I was stating he didn’t deserve to be addressed with proper grammar and structure. And of course, “sincerely, Elena” was a play on the fact that this was all written in a very insincere manner. Yes, what I wrote was honest, but the tone I addressed my dad with was not sincere.

To this day, when I read this poem, I have to cheer myself on. I am proud of that 18-year-old girl that had the courage to write those words and share them with people she hardly knew. She had to think about how things should be between a father and daughter and the fact that her reality was so far from that. Not only did she write honestly about that experience, but she added a little spunk! That’s why I have to cheer her on, cheer myself on.

The person I am now is far different than the person I was at that time. I’m sure it is easier now for the people who know me to read this poem and believe that I wrote it. But for me to write this 5 years ago is a whole different story.

In hindsight, I see my 18-year-old self truly. I see a little girl shaking in her skin, feeling like the ground is falling out beneath her and everyone in her life is on the verge of leaving. I see a girl that is terrified to accept that she had actually been sexually abused and terrified to think a negative thought about the man who abused her. I see a girl that can hardly accept her past and at the same time can’t see a way forward.

I see a girl that would do anything to never be hurt again but she so desperately wants to be loved. I see a girl who wants to open up and truly be seen but she has built so many walls that she doesn’t know how to let fall. I see a girl so inexperienced in speaking hard truth, but she knew the truth about her life was hard.

For that girl to write this poem—is a really beautiful and powerful thing. It took quite a lot of bravery for her to write those words. I know it might seem strange to hear me speaking about myself in this way, but I have to share this because I have done things in my life that I never in a million years would have dreamed I could ever do.

It’s not that I’m prideful, it’s that I am astonished and overwhelmed with thankfulness for what God has done in my life and the strength He has given me every time I needed it. I am continually amazed at where God has taken me in my life.

When I look at my college years and specifically think back to my creative writing classes, I just feel so thankful that God led me to those spaces and He really used them. Even in a room full of people who didn’t follow Jesus, with a teacher who wasn’t a Christian, learning secular ideas and concepts—God was sovereign and all things always work out under His will and at His word. Even in that environment, God pushed me toward healing and His hand of protection was ever-present.

I don’t know what has happened in your life, the choices you’ve made, the things other people did or said to you, but God does. I am confident that God can and will meet you where you are and there is growth and healing for you if you lean into Him. God pours out mercy we don’t deserve, strength we could never obtain on our own, breakthroughs we could never earn, and peace we can’t comprehend.

God is in the business of healing. He makes blind people see, deaf people hear, crippled people walk, dead people alive, and brings beauty out of the ashes. If He can do all this, He can redeem, restore, and reconcile you and all of the pain and struggle you have experienced in your life.

I know it might seem strange that I go from sharing a sassy and sad poem to then talking about God’s restoration. But this is what God’s restoration has looked like in my life. I see God’s restoration in the nights I spent with friends where we all laughed and talked about silly things, then built friendships that showed me my pain mattered and people cared about me. I see it in the breakdowns and panic attacks I had that brought me to my knees in desperation. I see it in tearful worship sessions where I tasted the goodness of God. I see it in angsty poems and blunt stories written about trauma and abuse. I see it in heartfelt prayers of pain and thankfulness wrapped up together. I see it in a college class where I shared my brokenness with other broken people. I know I’ve said it already, but this is what God’s restoration has looked like in my life.

Restoration isn’t just glamourous, beautiful, and shiny. In order for there to be a need to restore something, that means it has been broken and damaged previously. Repairing and renewing someone who is broken is a difficult process. Old wounds and former reactions show up and fight against healthy love and receiving grace. It is difficult as a broken person who has never really experienced healthy love to receive it with reckless abandon. Our defense mechanisms kick in and we are afraid of being hurt, afraid of finding out the love we were offered has a cost.

This is why, for me, restoration has been a slow process and also quite messy. Because I go back and forth between the comfort and familiarity of my broken self and the joy, yet unfamiliarity of my restored self. There is also the fact that in order to see healing and restoration, we first must unveil our brokenness and pain. Once you deal with the top layer of brokenness and pain, you must then go on to the next layer, and it often seems that these layers will never end.

It is easy to see the fact that we have more and more brokenness, and we get caught up in all the pain. But we have to also turn our eyes toward the continued restoration and healing being revealed in us as well. I have realized I am more broken and have experienced more pain than I ever could have imagined. And yet, I have realized I am more healed and have experienced more restoration than I ever could have imagined. These are the realities we must hold in tandem.

What I am saying is this, brokenness and restoration both follow us. We are humans made of flesh and blood, which means we carry brokenness with us. But as Christians, we are also humans filled the Spirit, which means we carry restoration. God is with you in the joy, the worship, the realizations of His goodness, yes. But He meets us where we are no matter what and He loves us unconditionally. When you go throughout your week and you see a lot of anxiety and pain and tears, just know that God is with you in that too.

I hope you are able to relate to the messiness of my restoration process. I hope you are encouraged that God is with you through everything and that He is orchestrating everything in your life on purpose. I hope this encourages you to reflect on your own life and look how far God has brought you. I bet you will be amazed at who you are now when you think back to who you were even just a few years ago. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤

New Mercies

I am not sure how you feel about this time of year, but I know for me it can be challenging. I think many people struggle during the colder, drearier months of the year and that holidays can be difficult for some. For me, both of those things are true.

Many people struggle with depression or just extreme fatigue during winter. It is common for those of us in cold parts of the world to have a hard time, so please don’t feel alone!

During these last couple of months, I have been throwing punches at discouragement and depression, but they’ve been throwing punches too. I have been trying not to grow negative and ungrateful. I have been trying to hold onto the joy and hope the Lord gives. But that can be extremely difficult sometimes.

I would love to encourage you, as someone who is in the struggle with you, that there is much to be hopeful for! The past week or so, the Lord has just pressed on me that His mercies are new every morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

I know that the statement “His mercies are new every morning” is a popular one in Christian culture and this verse is probably familiar, but I wonder if we really let that truth sink into our souls and provide us the hope and encouragement that it should. I know that I haven’t always savored that truth the way I should.

Not only are His mercies new every morning (and never-ending btw), but His love is steadfast, and His faithfulness is great. How good is our God?

Seeing these new mercies is something we have to actively strive to do. In our flesh, thankfulness, and recognition of the good and blessing God pours over us is not something that happens naturally. But as Christians, we are called to have a Spirit of thankfulness to God in all things. God’s Word calls us to peace and thankfulness over and over.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Since God knows what is best for us and most glorifying to Himself, when He instructs us to do these things, we can be sure that following these instructions is going to produce the best outcome in all ways.

Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

We are called to resist anxiety, pray fervently, and do all this in thankfulness. If we do this, God’s peace will guard our hearts and minds. There are many other passages where God commands or instructs us to be thankful, which means it is really important to Him, and again, means He knows that is the best thing for us.

It may seem difficult to find things to be thankful for at times, but there are always things to be thankful for. And since God specifically instructs us to be thankful, we should work at it always, no matter how difficult it can be.

As the Lord presses this truth that His mercies are new every morning into my heart, I have been extra grateful. In one way, for the way that God provides enough grace for each day that we face. I have been more and more aware that God is providing every bit of grace I need to endure each day and that is one of His “new mercies” for me each day. In every moment when I just feel like I can’t handle it anymore, He pours His grace over me.

This may sound silly or just very obvious, but a way I so clearly see God’s new mercies each day is in the way He separated day and night. In Genesis 1, it says that God created light and dark, and He separated them and called the light “day” and the darkness “night.” This was certainly not an accident.

I was just thinking about how wonderful and necessary it is that each night we go to sleep and when we wake up it is a new day. Each night we have the opportunity to “reset” and reevaluate our mindset. I am seeing how thoughtful it is that we don’t live in a perpetual, endless world with no natural breaks and ends.

I think God knew that this life we live would someday be very difficult and broken and that we would need to rest. How good of God to allow us a break every night?

There have been many nights where I thought to myself, I can’t do it anymore. There have been nights when I genuinely couldn’t see an end in sight and my life felt so hopeless. Sometimes when I wake up after these nights, I really still feel pretty hopeless. But more often, my perspective and emotions have changed a lot. My perspective is full of more optimism and my emotions have become less potent.

I think God does a work in us as we sleep. I think God designed night and sleep to bring restoration not just to our bodies, but to our minds and our spirits.

I was talking to my sister the other day and she was encouraging me that even when I am not actively writing out, thinking through, or praying to God about the areas in my life that need healing, Jesus is interceding (praying or petitioning) for me and because of that, God is always working in my life.

The way that we know that Jesus intercedes for us is from Romans 8:26-27 which says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Later, in verse 34 it says that Jesus is at the right hand of God interceding for us.

First of all, what a beautiful and wonderful truth that is! It is beyond comprehension that God cares so deeply for us that He is very intentional to pray over us and for us. He is petitioning for us all the time!

I think this applies to us as we sleep. I think that Jesus is interceding for us as we lay down to rest. Jesus is speaking peace and comfort over us as we sleep. He is petitioning for our needs. He is actively asking the Lord to sustain us and give us new mercies! There are times when I feel like absolute garbage as I lay down to rest, then I wake up feeling very different, no wonder—Jesus is praying for me!

This thought brings to mind Psalm 23 which says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

I feel like God sometimes carries out Psalm 23 while we sleep. He leads us peacefully to green pastures and beside quiet waters, He refreshes our souls, He comforts us, He fills up our cup, and He pours out His goodness and love. God does this while we are awake as well, but I picture Him fulfilling this as we sleep.

I can’t claim to know exactly what Jesus prays over us or how He prays for us, but I KNOW that He does intercede for us. I am so comforted by that truth.

Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with someone, and we were talking about how healing isn’t linear. I was sharing how much has happened in the last 2 months or even 1 month and that God has just done so much. This person encouraged me that sometimes progress and healing come in waves. Sometimes, it is slow, and we need to keep being patient and other times it comes fast, and we are overwhelmed by how much is changing for the better.

It is easy for me to see areas of my life that feel unchanged even when I pray fervently for a breakthrough, and yet, there are other areas where I fail to recognize the amazing things God has done and how far He has taken me.

His mercies are new every morning and we don’t get to define what mercy means to a sovereign God. Sometimes, His mercy says no to things we want desperately, other times His mercy says yes to things we want to avoid with everything in us. But it is His mercy nonetheless.

Part of God’s new mercies are new seasons—it could be a season to depend deeply on God and grow in patience when things come slowly and we don’t feel like having faith, or it could be a season to see again how powerful God is and how faithful He is to fulfill His promises.

In every season, God is working. Every day God is working. Every moment is accomplishing the will of our Father. He is merciful and loving and faithful. We are in His hands and He cares deeply for us. Let us not forget that we deserve nothing, and our God has decided instead to pour out mercy upon mercy on us.

I guess I want to encourage you, and me… to seek out the good, seek out the new mercies, and seek to acknowledge these things to God and thank Him for them. It is so easy to be discouraged during this season but let us seek encouragement through God’s Word and from His extravagant mercies over us.

This post is really me preaching to myself if I am honest with you. I am certainly not doing these things perfectly, but God is pressing this into my Spirit and so I am working on it! I hope these truths can be encouraging to you. Remember, you are not alone in this difficulty and struggle. There are many others who struggle similarly and there is a God who cares for you very much! Thanks for showing up,

Elena ❤