walking to class

soft raindrops fall

into puddles on the pavement.

a serene scene.

she quickly walks through

the peaceful setting.

climbing up the stairs,

her heartbeat quickens.

she loses control.

she walks past the classroom door.

she almost made it to her class,

now she is in the bathroom

on the floor.    

so unlike the raindrops outside,

teardrops fall down her face

onto her lap.

there is nothing soft or serene

about this scene.

in / out

in / out

breathe.

going to class is the last thing on her mind.

The Story Behind the Poem

I wrote this poem when I was in the throes of having panic attacks pretty regularly. I remember this moment very vividly. During this time, I was struggling very much just to make it to my classes and to show up in my everyday tasks. On this day, I was so pleased that I was going to make it to my class. I was totally fine as I was walking to class and then as I was walking up the steps and almost there, I started feeling the panic set in. It felt like it was completely out of nowhere.

I am not sure what sparked that panic even to this day, but I know I had to walk right past my classroom and find a bathroom. I sat on the floor of that bathroom and wept. I felt so much anxiety and was struggling to breathe, so I did what I learned to do. I focused very intently on my breathing, breathing in and out as deeply as I could. Slowly, my breathing started to normalize and my heart rate slowed. I texted a friend to pray and sat there awhile, collecting myself.

By this point, it didn’t even make sense to go to class because I already missed too much of it and I was feeling shaky anyway. I remember feeling so disappointed in myself and so frustrated with my nervous system. It was something that was out of my control and just so stinkin’ infuriating. I didn’t want to struggle with anxiety and I certainly never wanted to have a panic attack again.

Unfortunately, during that season of my life, I had more panic attacks. It was something I hated and dreaded. I wasn’t sure if they would ever stop. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be free of anxiety, panic, depression, or PTSD. I felt very hopeless at times, wondering if I could ever move past these things.

And here I sit today, free from so much of it. I read one of my blog posts from November 2021 a couple days ago and I had forgotten something I had written in it.

I wrote, “Though I still struggle with PTSD, anxiety, and depression, I have seen so much progress and healing in those areas. I know that I could be 100% healed from those things someday, I used to think that was impossible. I know that God is the ultimate healer, and I will be healed to the measure He allows on this earth, and I will be fully healed and whole in heaven.”

It is so crazy to read that now, 3 years later, and to recognize how much God has done. I can now confidently say that God has healed me from PTSD, which is so crazy! I rarely struggle with flashbacks of abuse, nightmares, or triggers. Those things still happen every so often but it is so infrequent that I am surprised when it does happen.

I also have been freed from the chronic anxiety I had and the panic attacks. I don’t remember the last time I had a panic attack, which is absolutely AMAZING. Praise God! I am tempted to stress out, worry, or be anxious at times but it is far less than what I used to feel. I have my moments of having to cope with and fight against depression as well, but I have seen a lot of progress even with that. I believe that God can heal me 100% from those things too, just like I believed back in 2021.

I truly believe that your mindset matters so much in the struggles you face. If I didn’t believe God could heal me from PTSD, anxiety, and depression I don’t think God would have healed me. If I didn’t seek that healing and ask God to do it, I don’t think He would have. I know that God can do whatever He wants to do whether we want Him to or not. But I believe that God wants us to have faith, to seek Him, and to ask for the healing and breakthroughs we desire in our lives.

Maybe this is part of what Jesus meant when He said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” I know the context for this verse is really about salvation, but I believe it can apply to other areas of our lives as well, like healing and breakthrough!

God wants us to ask for the things we desire, like healing, and to seek Him as we are on this journey. And if God answers your prayer with a resounding, “YES,” you can celebrate all the more enthusiastically because you decided to actively seek out healing and breakthrough. If God chooses to answer your prayer by saying, “Wait,” or “Not yet,” or even, “Not here on earth,” my prayer is that you would be able to trust Him even then.

I believe I will be completely free from chronic anxiety and depression in my life here on earth, but if God chooses to wait, I can take comfort in the fact that one day He will take all of our pain, suffering, and tears away. This means every bit of anxiety and depression will one day be done away with when we go to be with Jesus.

If God chooses to allow us to continue to struggle with these sorts of things, then He must know something we don’t. Maybe that struggle is what will keep you dependent on Jesus. Maybe that struggle is what will help you stay humble in this life. Maybe that struggle puts you in a unique position to reach someone with the Gospel. Even if we still struggle with the things we hate struggling with most- God is still good and He has a good plan.

I praise God for the amazing and miraculous healing He has done in my life up to this point. I never imagined that I would be this free in my life here on earth. I never imagined God would be so kind and generous to heal me of so much. I can do nothing but praise Him and give Him all the glory.

If you struggle with anxiety, depression, or PTSD I am so sorry. I know that it is hard. I know that it can feel hopeless at times. Take heart, God is with you in this struggle. I believe that God is our Healer and He can heal us from anything. I would encourage you to ask God to bring you healing. Tell Him how you are feeling and share with Him that the desire of your heart is for you to be completely healed.

We don’t have to be afraid to be honest with our Father, He is good and kind and gracious. He desires what is best for us and ultimately God desires healing for all of His children. He gets to decide the timing of this healing, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ask for it now. I hope and pray that you can experience the miraculous healing of God even now! But, even if God’s timing for your complete healing is not now, He is with you and you can still live a full and God-honoring life. Thanks for showing up,

-Elena ❤